We geeks dread Easter…partly because we have to see family members that we’re in therapy trying to forget, but mostly because there are no good Easter movies. “The Greatest Story Ever Told”? We haven’t been more misled by a movie title since “The Never Ending Story.” And Max Van Sydow as Jesus was an even bigger disappointment. Where the hell were the bore worms? So, as geeks are wont to do, we imagined what a good Easter movie would be like. Something directed by, say, Quentin Tarantino. Something with edge. Something with damn bore worms! Something between “Reservoir Dogs” and “The Greatest Story Ever Told.” So without further ado, here’s the cast of “The Greatest Story Never Told”…
Steve Buscemi as Jesus
What’s a movie without Steve Buscemi? A waste of time, that’s what. He doesn’t have Jesus’s swimmer’s build, but quite frankly we don’t believe Jesus did much swimming anyway. I can already hear Buscemi speaking those immortal lines from the Bible, like, “Get your filthy Roman paws off me!” And “I know it was you Judas. You broke my heart!”
Gary Oldman as Judas
In his career he’s portrayed Sid Vicious, Sirius Black, the Devil (twice), Dracula, and even Pontius Pilate in a 1999 TV movie. So who better to play the dreadlocked, drug-dealing, street-wise pimp Judas Iscariot but Gary Oldman?
Michael Madsen as Himself
“The Passion of the Christ” has set the bar for violence and gore in biblical films. So, for entertainment’s sake, Jesus isn’t crucified at the end of the movie. He’s tied to a chair, doused with gasoline and set on fire by Michael Madsen.
The Twelve Apostles
Judas Iscariot: Gary Oldman
Peter: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
Andrew: Andrew McCarthy
James (the Great): Eric Roberts
James (the Less): Eric Stoltz
John: John C. Reilly
Philip: Philip Seymour Hoffman
Bartholomew: Billy Bob Thornton
Thomas: Tommy Lee Jones
Matthew: Matthew Modine
Simon: Sam Rockwell
Thaddaeus: Tim Roth
Virgin Mary: Susan Sarandon
Joseph: Gary Sinise
John the Baptist: Crispin Glover
King Herod: Paul Giamatti
Pontius Pilate: Christopher Walken
Mary Magdalene: Uma Thurman
Barabbas: Mickey Rourke
With special appearances by Clint Howard as the waiter at the Last Supper…Harvey Korman as the Leper…John Travolta as Lazarus…Harvey Keitel as God…Malcolm MacDowell as Satan.
Directed by Quentin Tarantino
Screenplay by Joe Eszterhas
Soundtrack by Blind Faith
If Steve Buscemi were Jesus, this world would be a better place.
Inspired! You folks are casting geniuses.
I’m particularly fond of Travolta as Lazarus. Clever. But not nearly as clever as Glover as John the Baptist. I wonder if anyone else can divine that reference…
One question though; where was Keanu Reeves?
AWESOME CASTING.
“I find no fault in this man, and I gotta have more cowbell”
Pure, unbridled genius!
i don’t know about susan surandon as virgin mary i mean come on paris hilton should totally get that part. ha ha jk
It’s all excellent. Except 4 the fact that u have “The Rock” in there.
He may b an actor, but not a very good 1. U could find some1 a lot better 2 play Peter.
How about some1 like Tim Robbins or Sean Connery or Nicolas Cage or somethin’. Somebody w/ some real acting ability.
Everything else is damn near perfect though. Great casting :-D