The Scorpion King
Directed by Chuck Russell
Starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Kelly Hu, Bernard Hill, Steven Brand, Grant Helsov, Peter Facinelli, Michael Clarke Duncan
Universal Studios Home Entertainment
Release Date: July 22, 2008

The way I see it, there are two ways to look at The Scorpion King: as a guy’s guy, in which case TSK is the best movie ever made in the history of cinema, or as a critically thinking, intellectual male, in which case TSK is a minorly amusing, 90-minute exercise in historical inaccuracy. Either way, I think the world would be an infinitely better place with Kelly Hu running about in skimpy outfits whilst pretending to be important. But…that could just be the (highly uninformed) opinion of my penis. Mr. Penis tends to cloud my judgment sometimes and here, he almost succeeded in convincing me that The Scorpion King is a good movie. But, all he really convinced me of was that I like Kelly Hu. A lot.

There really isn’t much story in The Scorpion King — a spin-off of The Mummy movies — but what little story there is focuses on Mathayus (The Rock, in his first starring role), the last of the Akkadians, and his quest to capture the precognitive sorceress (the aforementioned Hu) of the despotic king, Memnon (Steven Brand). There is also some nonsense about a band of “free” rebels, led by Balthazar (Michael Clarke Duncan) but, at the end of the day, all this flick needs is The Rock kicking much ass. And he does that. Quite well, actually.

The Scorpion King was originally in theaters in 2002, but was just released on Blu-ray this recently. Both visually and aurally, this disc shines. It both looks and sounds great in the high-def format. It’s in the extras department where this disc is lacking. There are interactive, documentary featurettes that you can access at various points in the film, but I always find these distracting and they don’t really offer any great insights into the filmmaking process. I mean, who really wants to hear The Rock waxing rhapsodically about the desert locations where the film was shot? I know I don’t. All I want to see is the goddamn People’s Eyebrow, which is noticeably absent from this entire production.

There is also a commentary track from director Chuck Russell, which is informative on a certain level but you won’t be missing much if you decide to it skip entirely. And that’s it for special features on this disc.

All in all, if you’re a fan of The Rock, the WWE, and big, dumb action movies then, by all means, this is the disc for you. Crank it up and let the Godsmack tunage blow you through the back wall of your goddamn living room. Otherwise, save your money and wait for the Blu-ray release of the infinitely more satisfying (on many, many levels…) Dark City.