The latest Doom Delivery sure does live up to the name, as it’s an invitation to a Valentine’s Day dance which will surely lead me to my doom. It arrived via FedEx (not so doomy) and was very lightweight, so I couldn’t imagine what was in it. I opened it to find an artificial black rose (which I dig) and a small card with a drawn red heart on it that read…
YOU’RE INVITED!
WHAT: THE ANNUAL VALENTINE’S DAY DANCE
WHERE: VALENTINE BLUFFS
HOSTED BY: HARRY WARDEN
Uh-oh! As soon as I saw the name of the host, I knew that this was no innocuous Valentine’s Day dance! I knew this was a test! On the other side of the card was the message “Happy Anti-Valentine’s Day From Lionsgate” with an image of their recently released special edition DVD of the 1981 horror flick My Bloody Valentine
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In My Bloody Valentine, the miner Harry Warden was the sole survivor of a cave-in on Valentine’s Day at the Hanniger Mines in Valentine’s Bluffs. Trapped for six weeks, Harry stayed alive by feasting on his fellow miners and by the time he was rescued, he was out of his mind. After a stint in a mental hospital, a year later he returned to the town seeking revenge on his two supervisors — these men were supposed to be keeping watch while the men were down in mine on the night a methane explosion caused the cave-in, but they left work early to go to the annual Valentine’s Day Dance (so you can understand why Harry is pissed). Harry then cut out their hearts and left them in those pretty heart-shaped chocolate Valentine’s boxes with a warning to the people of the town to cease holding their annual Valentine’s Day dance or he’d return to kill off anyone who failed to heed his warning.
If you ask me, Harry’s anger is a bit misplaced, but after munching on your coworkers while trapped in a caved-in mine for six weeks, I can understand why rationing thinking was not applied here. Well, don’t worry, I will certainly heed Harry’s original warning and certainly not fall into the trapp he’s setting with this recent invite. I’ll even go a step further and make sure not to go to ANY Valentine’s Day dances today.
