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Exclusive: Abraham Lincoln Responds To ‘Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter’ News
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Empress Eve   |  @   |  
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Abraham Lincoln's statementEarlier this week, we reported that Tim Burton and Timur Bekmambetov had signed on to produce a film adaptation of Seth Grahame-Smith’s recently released book Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.

The news of the plans for a Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunters movie was not all that surprising, considering the popularity of Grahame-Smith’s Jane Austen zombie mash-up Pride and Prejudice and Zombie and its subsequent Natalie Portman-starring film adaptation. The monster/literary mash-up is all the rage right now and having President Abraham Lincoln fight vampires — also all the rage right now — is sure to attract the masses.

Upon learning of the film news, Lincoln, who’s spent several years hunting werewolves in the Jesus Hates Zombies Featuring Lincoln Hates Werewolves graphic novels, took to the internet to express his displeasure with the news of the Vampire Hunter story.

In a statement released via stick-figure artwork [click image here at top], Lincoln said that being considered a vampire hunter is “fucking absurd” and that it’s well documented that he is, in fact, a “hunter of werewolves.” Honest Abe went on to say that the notion of his hunting vampires was “downright insulting” and that “there is only one true Abe Lincoln fighting monsters” in reference to his adventures fighting werewolves in Jesus Hates Zombies Featuring Lincoln Hates Werewolves.

Lincoln recently granted me an exclusive interview, where he spoke candidly about his abhorrence to being considered a vampire hunter, as well as his prowess for killing werewolves, his long-standing associating with Jesus, and his thoughts on the Twilight vampire phenomenon (you’ll be surprised to find out what he thinks!).

Geeks of Doom: For two years now, your hatred of werewolves has been chronicled within the pages of Jesus Hates Zombies Featuring Lincoln Hates Werewolves. What prompted you to start fighting werewolves and how long have your been doing this? When do you have time to be President?

Abraham Lincoln: It all began when my family moved to the wilds of Indiana shortly after the passing of my mother. I was out collecting firewood when I was attacked. I didn’t realize it at the time, but my attacker was a werewolf. I buried the blade of my knife into the beast’s chest all the way to the hilt and watch as it lay dying. Everything changed in that one, bloody instant. Everything I believed, and everything I feared. But I vowed never to let a beast such as that catch me unaware again. To me, the office of the Presidency is all about preserving the way of life that we, as Americans, hold so dearly. And it’s a way of life that these beasts seek to destroy. So, for me, the elimination of werewolves, and my duties as President, are one in the same.

GoD: You’ve come out today expressing your anger about a book and upcoming film adaptation, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, that portrays you as a vampire hunter. Why are you so opposed to this?

Lincoln: Because it is so clearly a falsified telling of the tale that has already been chronicled, only by substituting Vampires for Werewolves! It’s an outrage! Let me state it this way. A world renowned pianist would not sit back and allow an uninspired hack of a writer to produce a book about their life, only claiming they were a violinist instead of a pianist!

GoD: Are you concerned that your well-documented propensity to ‘hate’ might lead people to dismiss your outrage towards the Vampire Hunter story?

Lincoln: I wouldn’t call it a propensity to ‘hate’. No, not at all! For my hatred of the werewolves stems for my love of the American way of life! I do not wield the sharpened point of hate lightly.

Jesus Hates Zombies featuring Lincoln Hates WerewolvesGoD: Why do you feel concentrating on werewolves is so much more important than vampires and other monsters? Why not kill them all? What will you do when all the werewolves are gone?

Lincoln: My steady gaze is leveled solely on a threat to this nation. If that threat is werewolves, than that is my focus. If it is the walking dead, then I shall do everything within my power to purge this nation of their existence. And if, for some reason, it became vampires, then I would fight them back until breath no longer stole from my lips and my heart ceased beating. But vampires have never been the threat. Not in the past, and not today.

GoD: Are you familiar with Twilight? Some people seem to think that if you knew about this current vampire phenomenon you would understand the need for someone with your experience to eradicate vampires. What would you say to those people?

Lincoln: If I were to look out my window and see a tall, pale, sad looking young man glittering in the sunlight, my desire would not be to destroy him. I would invite the fellow in, offer him some hot teat and hospitality, and try to figure out why he looks so sad. That is what the vampires in this Twilight represent to me — a sad nations fascination with other sad creatures. But there is no malice there. No threat.

GoD: It’s possible that this new vampire story might actually heighten your popularity with today’s audiences, which could lead them to seek out your existing werewolf-hunting stories. Would that outcome make you more accepting of this new vampire story?

Lincoln: Not in the least! You see, with the (confusing) national acclaim this writer has garnered, people will assume that the true story, the story of my battle with the werewolves, is the copycat! They will see the assassination attempt by the werewolves and my propensity to use an axe as my weapon of choice, and they will think, “This is nothing but a cheap imitation of Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.” I simply cannot bear the thought of such a thing!

GoD: Do you feel your association with stick figure Jesus has caused celebrity-level novelists to ignore your previous werewolf-hunting adventures?

Lincoln: Surely I could lay blame at the feet of Jesus. His status is somewhat… dubious… when it comes to lending credibility. But the fact remains that he as helped me, without question, since the very moment I met him. Yes, he has a tendency to swear, as well as a wandering eye when it comes to the fairer sex, but he is a man of his word and a man of honor. And I respect him for that.

GoD: Being a dead famous historical figure, you probably don’t have any legal recourse against people using your likeness for their stories. What do you plan can you do to protect yourself in the future?

Lincoln: What can I do besides use the internet as my soapbox in the hopes that the masses will hear my cries and stop lending their support (in the form of their hard-earned money) to cheap imitators and charlatans!

GoD: Where can people read more about you and what are your plans for the near-future?

Lincoln: I tend to leave most of the marketing and promotions to Mr. Lindsay. So if readers would like to learn more about my ongoing exploits against both the walking dead and werewolves, then they can follow Mr. Lindsay on Twitter, Facebook, and his personal website captionsandballoons.com.

GoD: Thank you, Mr. Lincoln for taking the time out of your busy schedule to speak with Geeks of Doom and to give us this exclusive interview.

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