Well, friends of the metal persuasion, that time of year has rolled around again. The holiday season is upon us, time to show up on doorsteps with your electric twangers and sing songs about roasting nuts, burn down churches, and, most of all, it’s time to avoid all your repulsive metalhead friends that might have the nerve to expect a gift. But for those of you who just donâ€™t seem to have that flare for hiding in your closet for two months straight, here are some wallet-emptying items theyâ€™re sure to find amusing.
Hereâ€™s the 2016 Metalheadâ€™s Holiday Gift Guideâ€¦
Diaper Slayer Onesie
For those of you who know any metalheads who are still young enough to have kids this little, this is the gift for you. What more delightful way to make their kids advertise themselves for their pooping skills while having absolutely no idea what the hell it even says on their onesie! Available on Etsy for $14.
High on Fire Cotton and Lace Bikini Panty
Got a lady who loves metal? Well, I bet she wonâ€™t be able to resist packing her goods into these cotton and lace High on Fire bikini panties. And an added bonus to her boyfriend, because who doesnâ€™t want to think about a guy like Matt Pike when theyâ€™re getting busy with their ladies? Yours for the highly unaffordable price of $40! On Etsy.
Wine is Fine But Whiskeyâ€™s Quicker Flask
Advertised as a bachelorette or groomsmenâ€™s giftâ€¦because what metalhead actually has bachelor and bachelorette parties? I thought those were for preppies! I think LocaDesign would be better off advertising this as the ultimate way to sneak alcohol into rock clubs while also letting all your friends know that you are such a hopeless alcoholic that itâ€™s getting to be a real problem. Available on Etsy for $24.
Piss Off, Iâ€™m Sleeping Lemmy Sleep Eye Mask
How many metal guys that you know wear a sleep mask to bed? Well, Iâ€™ll tell you, mine does! Thatâ€™s right, heavy metal official OG and tough guy rock journalist Ides Bergen wears a sleep mask to bed. Well, Iâ€™ll tell you, Iâ€™m really tempted to bust out with my credit card for this one right now if not for the fact that I would be completely frightened to roll over in bed and find Lemmyâ€™s face staring at meâ€¦and a little turned on. Available on Etsy for $14.
Vibes High Fidelity Earplugs
If its too loud, you’re too old! Well, that may well be the case now that most of your friends are saying, “What?” instead of “Whoo!” So get smart with Vibes High Fidelity Earplugs. These babies are discreet and they fit like a glove. Plus they are designed to enhance your live music experience by lowering the decibel levels of your environment without sacrificing sound clarity…whatever that means. Available now on Amazon.
Hellbent For Cooking: The Heavy Metal Cookbook
Macaroni Against Monotheism, Fried Egg Rigor Mortisâ€¦mmmâ€¦is your mouth watering yet? Well, it will be once you tie on that metal apron and get your hands dirty with these recipes compiled by Annick Giroux, the morbid chef. Includes recipes from members of Judas Priest, Sepultura, Kreator, Exciter, Gorgoroth, and more. Supposedly the book offers healthy recipes…and they said flesh eating has no nutritional value! Available now on Amazon.
King Diamond Black Tote Bag
Donâ€™t you hate all these environmental laws prohibiting the use of plastic bags? I mean, every time you go to the grocery store, you gotta remember to take your own stupid tote bag which you undoubtably got from the 99 cent store. Whatâ€™s a girl gotta do to look metal chic while shopping? Well never fear! Now you can shop in the latest metal fashion with this awesome and environmentally friendly King Diamond Black Tote Bag. Also, great for bringing lunches to work and scaring off the boss, or sitting creepily in the shade at the back of the pier for family beach days! Available on Red Bubble.
Dark and Somber Greeting Cards
There probably arenâ€™t many metalheads who even think to give a holiday card when they barely even want to give a gift. But who can resist stuffing these Dark and Somber Greeting Cards into the inside pockets of our MCâ€™s to later present to our friends all crumpled with unknown substances stuck to the envelope? Images like those of your favorite corpse-painted brethren are sure to put you in the holiday mood. And what better way to make your heart light than to stare down a demon waving a menorah at you in a threatening fashion (in my personal fave Transylvanian Hannukah)? Limited edition sold at Dark and Somber Greetings.
Abbath Snow Globe
No, this is not Santa! I bet if you had told macho True Son of Northern Darkness, Abbath Doom Occulta, that his likeness would be captured in a snow globe and sold as the next hot metal seasonal gift item years ago, he would have laughed with bowl-full-of-jelly like mirth. Well, now this baby can be yours this holiday season for just $20! Available at Seasons Of Mist.
Or if you want some easy one-stop metalhead shopping, here are some albums as recommended by Heavy Metal OG and GoD’s Massive Metal Monday and Black Metal Friday columnist Ides Bergenâ€¦but I still wrote them up, seeâ€¦cause Iâ€™m much funnier!
Meshuggah — The Violent Sleep of Reason
CD | MP3
Do you know that Messhuggah is the Yiddish word for crazy? This would be a great one to give as a Hannukah gift as well as an awesome way of fucking with your Christian friends. Also, Metal Sucks calls it a “tremendous piece of art,” which is saying a lot becauseâ€¦apparently they think metal sucks!!
Oathbreaker — Rheia
CD | MP3 | Vinyl
Moving right along on the list of band names your Christian relatives will find most blasphemous, itâ€™s Belgianâ€™s own Oathbreaker!!! The album’s somber enough that some may even be lulled into a false sense of security thinking that youâ€™re actually listening to something age appropriate before ramping it up for songs like â€œSecond Son of R,â€ which Michael Pementel at Metal Injection calls its “most heaviest” track. Oy, where did these people learn grammar?
Chtheâ€™ilist – Le Dernier Crepuscule
I decided to put in a plug for this band because itâ€™s clear they are going to have a lot of problems. I mean, itâ€™s bad enough that you canâ€™t even read most death metal bandâ€™s logosâ€¦imagine not being able to pronounce their names once you figure it out! I mean, what does this even mean??! Anyway, the album has been praised as being “technical without losing its heaviness” and is said to feature “absurd gargled vocals” â€¦which I guess all the kids are into these days. Go to the band’s official site.
Nails — You Will Never Be One of Us
CD | MP3 | Vinyl | Audio Cassette
With an undeniable message of hope for the holiday season, this album from Nails was an obvious choice. What better way to spend the holidays than listening to tracks like â€œLife is a Death Sentenceâ€ and â€œMade to Make You Fail.â€ But donâ€™t worry, singer Todd Jones says that despite the negative sentiment of the album, itâ€™s intended to make listeners feel included. Oy, has anyone seen my razor blade?
Metallica – Hardwired…To Self-Destruct
CD | MP3 | Vinyl
As a child of old skool metal, even I can relate to this album. Not to mention that the editor of GoD sent me a link to this one, so I donâ€™t have to mess with the html to list it. Well, well, who knew Metallica could still write some decent tunes? And why havenâ€™t they been doing that all these years? In any case, letâ€™s not look a gift horse in the mouth…or a gift guide for that matter!
Here’s some quick picks from GoD’s Empress Eve of Doom and Metal.
Megadeth — Dystopia
Anthrax — For All Kings
Killswitch Engage — Incarnate
Ace Frehley – Origins, Vol. 1
Lita Ford – Time Capsule
Testament – Brotherhood of the Snake
Destruction – Under Attack
Death Angel – The Evil Divide
Grim Reaper – Walking in the Shadows
Opeth – Sorceress
Suicidal Tendencies – World Gone Mad
Well, that’s me with the Metal Gift Guide… until next year when you let me know just how many of these items ended up regifted.