I said I wanted to upgrade the finger and so from now on people should use both the ring finger coupled with the middle finger. I called it the SUperFInger. -Revelation 4:2
I hate Dane Cook. It’s no secret, really. But like many of my pop culture enemies, I once rooted for him to do good so I could look at him differently and”¦ Ya know”¦ Learn something. I watched his HBO special, which looked to me like a red-assed howler monkey with a metrosexual haircut shrieking at the top of his lungs, telling long and unfunny stories that didn’t have a point and didn’t really go anywhere. I saw Employee of the Month“¦ And soaked my eyes in bleach immediately afterwards. But that was just a bad movie. I heard good things about Mr. Brooks, so I went into Good Luck Chuck with an open mind, waiting to be convinced of the MySpace comic phenomenon.
I’m not rooting for him anymore, and my reaction to this”¦ THING”¦ manifests itself in more than hate and now actually resembles a borderline obsession with bloodthirsty revenge. Good Luck Chuck is beyond horrible, so much so that the light from “horrible” would take SIX TRILLION FUCKING YEARS to reach it, kind of like stars from far off in the universe. It’s offensive, but not the fun offensive like the movie it’s trying to ape off of (There’s Something About Mary). It hates women with such virulence that even Eli Roth might call this movie on going too far. To put it as succinctly as I can”¦
If you like Good Luck Chuck, you’re going to hell. Sorry. And I’m an atheist saying this, so think about what THAT means.
Cook stars as Charlie, a guy who was hexed by a spurned Goth girl during a game of spin the bottle when he was ten. The hex entails that every woman he’s ever with winds up dumping him and marrying the next guy she meets. The news of this gets out when he’s an adult and he has to beat women off with a stick, because if they bone him, they’ll get married.
At first he isn’t convinced of the authenticity of this curse, but the evidence stacks up. This is bad news for his hopeful relationship with Cam (Jessica Alba), the comely, nubile, and frighteningly klutzy penguin expert at the local aquarium.
A film like Good Luck Chuck isn’t made, so much as perpetrated, like the seedy murder of a pimp in a dingy alley. EVERYTHING goes wrong. To start, this movie is so insatiably sexist that it just ASSUMES that women are so eager to enter into a life of indentured servitude, cleaning the shit stains out of dude’s drawers, and birthing their spawn that they will enter random sexual encounters on just the OFF-CHANCE that they’ll get their day with the ring and the dress. Remember when a woman’s dignity used to mean something? I shouldn’t be surprised, really, because Good Luck Chuck is produced by Tracey Edmonds, whose fiancÃ©e is none other than Eddie (Norbit) Murphy. They’re PERFECT for each other!
And yes, there are naked breasts in this movie, if that’s what you were thinking of asking. How does it feel, not being man enough for real porn?
But they’re not Jessica Alba’s breasts, so you’re gonna have to wait until she makes a few more bombs to see those. I’d call Alba the “bright spot” of Good Luck Chuck, but that’s only because unlike every other actor in the film, she’s not actively horrible. I have a hard time differentiating between “maintaining dignity” and “taking up space like she usually does.” And sure, she’s pretty, but you can get THAT at the mall. Talent, please?
Good Luck Chuck also saddles us with Dr. Stu (Dan Fogler), the plastic surgeon who is Charlie’s best friend. Every line Fogler chokes out serves no other purpose than to annoy the ever-loving shit out of me. He plays a sexual retard that fucks grapefruit and shrieks almost everything he says. I learned that he is a Tony Award-winning actor, and I think maybe he should stick to the New York stage”¦ Because I don’t live in New York, and will never have to see him again.
Which brings us to Dane Cook. Never have I seen a more pathetic romantic leading man in my entire life. Seriously. I got caught up by a train for a half hour after this movie and I just sat there and thought. No one came to mind. He has no charm, he has no chemistry with anyone else in any of the movies I’ve seen him in, and his attempts at sincerity consist of leering like a pervert and glaring like a stalker. And in the third act he goes back into Crack-Chimp mode, thus resulting in a headache that hasn’t gone away yet.
I used to think Dane Cook was just a hacky, overrated, joke stealing comedian who was only favored by blockheaded frat boys and the occasional smart person (like Eve). But now I am almost convinced that he is none other than The Antichrist himself. I can just see the comments if this ever gets on Digg. There will be some who agree with me while some will call for my blood, giving the SU-FI to their monitors. They may get in a huge flame war because the liking and hating of Dane Cook is a deeply held principle on both sides. And already he shall be doing the Antichrist’s work.
Pitting man against his brother, till man exists no more”¦
Zero stars out of 4
Directed by Mark Helfrich