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Hollywood Pitches: ‘Back To The Future IV: Bif’s Neanderthal Revenge’
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The Insomniac   |  

Week of Geek; Back to the Future, 25th Anniversary

It’s been 20 years since the third and final Back To The Future movie was released and since then there’s been a major void in the franchise. Sure there was a short-lived animated series, and yeah, Universal Studios theme parks had a BTTF ride, but not everyone got to experience that; plus, it was closed down back in 2007, so now the fans have nothing.

With the 25th anniversary this Saturday of the release of the first movie, it’s no surprise that some Hollywood types would be clamoring to get a BTTF: Part IV into development asap. Below is a transcript of secretly-taped conversation between two producers discussing their grand plans for a new sequel, Back to the Future IV: Bif’s Neanderthal Revenge. [Hey, at least it’s not plans for a remake!]

Transcript

“I tell you, Ronald, the kids are positively screaming for it! The 80’s are in again and if we don’t strike while the iron is hot, the opportunity is going to pass us by”¦.”

“Clint, it’s been a quarter of a century since”¦”¦”

“Ronald look at the freakin’ receipts! Transformers, The A-Team. We get this project up and running and we’ll be able to kick Masters of the Universe right in their steroid shrunken nutsack”¦..”

“I know, I know nostalgia’s big right now, but this script”¦.”

“We’ve sent it through fifteen different sets of writers. The guys that wrote Crank 2, Eagle Eye, X-Men 3, XXX, I tell you we can’t miss! Bif steals the DeLorean and strands Marty and Doc Brown back in the Stone Age or some shit. They have to lash two dinosaurs together and get struck with a bolt of lightning to get the flux capacitor to work, but by the time they’ve done, Bif’s traveled back to the original 1955 prom with an army of Neanderthals who think he’s a God. It’s 10,000 BC meets TimeCop, but with Marty Mcfly!”

“Dinosaurs and neanderthals weren’t in the same time”¦.”

“Screw that noise, what do you think the American people are? Anthropologists? We put Megan Fox’s sexy ass in a leopard skin bikini and do you think people are going to be noticing a stegosaurus lashed to a time machine? I don’t think so. Plus, they a dinosaur in that Back To The Future theme park ride and everyone loved that. It’s a win-win!”

“All right, well, who do you have slated to director this gold-plated turd?”

“We’ve got a five-picture deal with McG that still hasn’t run out”¦..”

“McG. Great. Perfect. I suppose you want Shia Labeouf as McFly and Frank Langella as Doc Brown?”

“Come on, Ron, you know that we can’t get any mileage on this if we don’t have the original stars involve.?”

“You can’t possibly mean…”

“What has he done since Spin City? A couple of episodes of some Denis Leary firefighting show? He’ll be looking for the opportunity to get back into the limelight by retreading on past glories”¦”

“The man is riddled with Parkinson’s Disease…”

“Did you see Avatar? Bodies don’t matter anymore; will mo-cap and CGI the hell out of him…”

“Is Christopher Lloyd even still alive?”

“I think so… Look, if he’s dead we’ll have him in the movie as a spectral projection or some shit, like Obi-Wan Kenobi.”

“And this is going to cost the studio…?”

“Initial budgets at $620 Million.”

*There’s a long pause over the recording*

“[Sigh] All right, where do I sign?”

8 Comments »

  1. if this is a real transcript then we are all turn eating schmucks not to mention lemmings who will return to nostalgic cinematic stink mounds like a frat boy to a mud-wrestleing tranny show long live the mighty dollar

    Comment by kevo282 — June 30, 2010 @ 3:39 am

  2. if this is a real transcript then we are all turd eating schmucks not to mention lemmings who will return to nostalgic cinematic stink mounds like a frat boy to a mud-wrestleing tranny show long live the mighty dollar

    Comment by kevo282 — June 30, 2010 @ 3:40 am

  3. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

    Comment by JV — June 30, 2010 @ 8:17 am

  4. Funny

    Comment by MyNoNos — June 30, 2010 @ 9:34 am

  5. This is totally fake – a nice mockery of Hollywood trends. Sadly, it also sounds like something two producers with money to burn could feasibly be discussing.

    Comment by Jon — June 30, 2010 @ 9:38 am

  6. This is definitely just a joke. We all know Hollywood would do this and think this and Im actually surprised this hasn’t been done yet. Who knows the kind of talks producers have had over the years about this franchise? Probably something similar to this.

    Comment by Fierste — June 30, 2010 @ 11:13 am

  7. A nice riff on big studio Hollywood thinking. Still, it would be interesting to see a followup with Marty’s kids to relaunch the franchise (rather than doing a remake. The series was rather off on alternate timelines and time-travel physics but was still fun, certainly more amusing than Ashton Kutcher in that Butterfly Effect film.

    Comment by Stu Shiffman — July 8, 2010 @ 12:38 pm

  8. Boy are some people retarded…
    “yeah this is totally fake dude!”
    Maybe that’s why there isn’t going to be a BTTF part IV; humans have just become too fucking smart. Very impressive, you all can’t get fooled.

    Comment by Chrisburn — December 21, 2011 @ 2:16 am

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