It’s getting colder. The days are getting shorter, the nights are getting longer, and everyone is so full of Christmas cheer, it makes you want to burn down a church. Worse than that, you have to spend precious beer money on… gifts. Well, whether you have metal buddies who are seriously expecting something this season, or whether you want to give Aunt Mabel something so heinously inappropriate that she will regift it right back to you, you might want to take a look at this list.
Here’s the 2015 Metalhead’s Holiday Gift Guide…
Metallica Ride The Lightning Blanket
What better way to cozy up this holiday season than with some good old classic metal? Cuddle up with your favorite warm body while headbanging to your favorite moldy oldies. Who’s trapped under ice? Not you! This Ride The Lightning blanket is ridiculously overpriced at just $84.99. Why? Cause it says Metallica, that’s why! Sold at Metallica Shop.
These are perfect for those slushy winter storms…right along with your leather MC. But hey, Spring is right around the corner. Right? No, not really? Well, wear these Black Sabbath sneakers from Converse until they rot off your feet and smell like a rotting corpse. How metal is that? $39.99-64.99.
Heavy Metal Statues- Perfect for your dining room table center piece, mantel, or to scare away your daughter’s Monster High dolls for good, there may not be anything more metal than these heavy metal statues by Knucklebonz. In delicious varieties including Lemmy, Rob Halford, Kerry King, Tom Arraya, and, of course Kiss, it may be hard to limit yourself to just one…but with a $115 price tag, you may just have to.
Taking zombie-ism to a whole other level, who could resist mock cannibalism when it’s so delicious. At $106, it may be a shame to devour this edible piece of art. But hey…it’s Belgian chocolate…mmmm…Comes in milk chocolate, chili chocolate and dark chocolate varieties. I had to laugh when I saw that the ad states that the dark chocolate is ‘suitable for vegans’. Available on Etsy.
Now, you can even make drinking wine coolers look metal, when you tote the Viking Drinking Horn. Just go to the bar in your favorite metal club and ask the serving wench to fill ‘er up. Then tell them your name is Thor. Available on Amazon for $14.99.
Who said board games are for hipsters and nerds? Why go out on Saturday night and meet chicks when you can stay home and partake in this role playing adventure that follows a touring band through the caverns of a hard rock underground scene? One of the tokens is even a guitar pick!! And it comes complete with a 7″ single from some bands I’ve never heard of!! So play it loud and proud mutha!! Available for $100 via Numero Group.
Love the metal image but don’t want to admit you can’t tell Venom from Bathory? Tired of being called a poser? Well, show that you’ve earned the right to wear that Gorgoroth shirt after locking yourself in your room and reading this book for 12 hours straight. Available on Amazon for $19.
For years, Scott Ian of Anthrax has proved himself as a funny, intelligent, hard rockin’, nice Jewish boy from Queens. But for those of us who want more, now there is a book! Personally, I think he should have called it, I’m the Man, The Story of That Guy From Anthrax with the Goatee and the Beard … but whatever. Available on Amazon for $12 in paperback.
Don’t you hate it when you’re listening to metal and you can’t quite figure out that backwards message being chanted in the background? Tired of not being able to listen to every beat of those blast beats? Well, now your worries are over. For one low price of $55,000, you can have the ultimate in headphones and never have to worry about missing a beat…literally! These babies have all kinds of perks including their own built in case, oxygen-free cabling, and German leather, which totally constitutes the outrageous sticker price. And they can be yours if you never drink beer, go to a concert, eat, pay your bills, or really leave the cardboard box where you know must dwell with nothing but your new headphones, and, with any luck, a stereo and some DVDs. Or, you can buy the significantly cheaper Sennheiser HD 280 Pro Headphones for 100 bucks.
Cattle Decapitation — Anthropecene Extinction CD | MP3 | Vinyl
The scene is set. The family sits around the table and just as mom is bringing out the turkey, you turn on Cattle Decapitation’s Anthropocene Extinction, which you just thoughtfully gifted to Aunt Gladys. The mind-melting speed and melodic clean and guttural vocals, coupled with the band’s brilliant song writing is somehow lost on your family. Your mother asks what band you put on and you proudly respond “Cattle Decapitation.” Your family lets that sink in while staring at the glistening mound of turkey and declares that they have other plans. In all the excitement, Aunt Gladys neglects to take her CD and you have a feeling she won’t be asking for it back any time soon. Score!!
An equally effective way to clear the dinner table would be to put Sylosis’ Dormant Heart in your DVD player. Although they might not get it at first, I would definitely start bringing up the plights of sylosis sufferers and tell the tale of how, in the spirit of giving this Christmas, you’ve decided to start your own charity towards efforts for the cure. This album definitely raises awareness while exploring darker and more aggressive chambers of the band’s already blackened (and apparently dormant) hearts, offering thrashy and progressive riffage.
In a world where Motley Crue is classic rock and the Kardashians wear Slayer shirts, Iron Maiden is perfectly acceptable Christmas meal music. Watch mom headbang while dad carves the turkey, when you put on Book of Souls. Fill your celebration with guitar harmonies and anthemic beauty that you just can’t get from Bing Crosby. An added bonus… the album runs 93 minutes long, so you don’t have to worry about Cousin Sheila stealing all the biscuits when you get up to change the disc…or reprogram the iTunes, as the case may be. Don’t worry though, Aunt Alice is still holding her ears.
Here’s some quick picks from GoD’s Empress Eve of Doom and Metal.