Umlaut Under Attack By GOP In Race To Demonize Everything Foreign
Friday, April 1st, 2016 at 10:00 am
A town hall debate today that included Republican frontrunners Donald Trump and Ted Cruz, which was to have focused on what was referred to as “an attack on America’s core values,” took a strange turn when the two contenders actually joined together for a 40-minute rant about the dangers of the umlaut.
Yes, you read that correctly. The umlaut. For more information, continue reading.
The debate began simply enough with the two aspiring candidates for the GOP nomination mentioning the differences in languages and how it was negatively impacting American citizens, while talking verbal swings at one another, particularly over their names and lineage. This quickly turned into a lengthy drill down on the umlaut, the diacritical mark often associated with heavy metal.
Citing the mark’s use in many European languages, Senator Cruz even insinuated that Trump’s original family name, Drumph, contained one of this mark. In what was obviously a power move on his part, Trump lashed back making derogatory remarks regarding Cruz’s Hispanic heritage and lack of integrity. But once the personal insults had been voiced, they seemed to almost team up and feed off the other in a symbiotic fashion, if you will. Referencing the heavy metal band MÃ¶tley CrÃ¼e, the two men began diatribes that spoke to “obvious” satanic meanings of any word that contained an umlaut.
Trump, always eloquent, had this to say during the April 1st debate:
“There are big words, long words with lots of little dots above them. I know them because I’m smarter than most people. You probably wouldn’t have heard of them, but they are big words that mean things. Evil things. Long words with dots will always bring the devil into it.”
Not to be outdone, Cruz took the time during Trump’s speech to Google up words that contained umlauts. Sadly, he chose the Finnish word epÃ¤jÃ¤rjestelmÃ¤llistyttÃ¤mÃ¤ttÃ¶myydellÃ¤nsÃ¤kÃ¤Ã¤nkÃ¶hÃ¤n that he failed to pronounce correctly, though to be fair, this writer doubts more than five people worldwide could have successfully done so. As the senator was attempting to speak this newfound word that contains twelve umlauts, Trump dove behind his podium quivering in fear of the alleged “demon attack” that he was convinced Cruz was unleashing, albeit unwittingly. Fear ran through the crowd of onlookers and reporters, as they were swept up in the apparent terror that permeated the building.
As the anxiety level of the room waned, Trump was heard to exclaim that “This is why you shouldn’t just read any book. You should watch things from the safety of your home and trust your news to give you what you need.” He quickly amended his statement, though, stating that his book, The Art Of The Deal, contained only facts and wouldn’t bring about the end of days. As he spoke, Cruz was seen nodding and even agreed that he personally wouldn’t read a book “for fear of what might happen.” As the debate wound down, the two men shook hands and left the stage together.
It must be noted that Ohio governor John Kasich was also on stage for the debate, but never got a chance to speak as the other two nomination seekers rolled right past him, reflecting his campaign’s inability to gain traction and delegates.
Within minutes of this televised debacle taking place, Google reported that the web searches for the word “umlaut,” and satanic rituals increased nearly exponentially. It was also reported that only a small percentage of internet users provided the correct spelling of umlaut. In an additional ironic twist, the event was being broadcast on a Scandinavian station that employed several kÃ¤Ã¤ntÃ¤jÃ¤Ã¤, a Finnish word that means translators and itself containing five umlauts.
For this writer, the moral of the story is precisely the same line used in the first paragraph: “For more information, continue reading.” Or to quote Anne Rice: “Give me a man or woman who has read a thousand books and you give me an interesting companion. Give me a man or woman who has read perhaps three and you give me a very dangerous enemy indeed.”