Santa Claus is a metalhead. That’s right, that’s no hipster beard and stocking hat”¦ that’s a “˜10 day bender, too lazy to shave and I didn’t have anything else clean to wear, what?? ready to get my mosh on’ look. Because, let’s face it, it’s time to take Santa back. We all know he drives around on Christmas Eve in a hearse blasting Motorhead, and wondering what to get all the good metalheads for Christmas. Well, have I got a list for him!

Here’s the 2017 Metalhead’s Holiday Gift Guide…

The Metalhead Box (Subscription Box for Metalheads): Wow, who would have thought that you, a disorganized, good for nothing, pot-smoking metalhead, would ever have a subscription to anything. It kind of reminds you of Aunt Nettie’s crazy coupons or Cousin John when he got the New York Times that one month. But I guess when you consider that you are actually subscribing to a service that sends you hand-picked metal merchandise and albums, it’s kind of cool. Besides, how else are you going to one-up your friends by telling them that you are the first to hear the new album by[(insert obscure metal band here]? Various kinds of subscriptions available at TheMetalheadBox.com/.

Rock On Design Pewter Cufflinks: There are hands coming out of your wrists? What’s that? There are hands “¦oh never mind. You get the idea! What better way to salute metal and make bizarre conversation than by sporting these horns-up pewter cufflinks. And since metalheads rarely wear dress shirts, I’m sure they will look great sticking out of that hole you made in the sleeves of your At The Gates hoodie. Available on Etsy for $20.55.

Ace Frehley Ceramic Handmade Unique Collectible Doll:

What better way to honor the KISS in all of us than to give friends that warm fuzzy feeling of KISSmas with this Ace Frehley ceramic collectable? This doll comes complete accompanied by this “˜not quite a Les Paul’ and may look more like a cross between Aunt Mabel and Humpty Dumpty”¦but oh well”¦I guess that’s pretty accurate these days anyway. On Etsy for a whopping 40 beans.

Metallica Funny Coffee Mug: Metallica may consider it a sell out to use their songs lyrics to advertise coffee, but we don’t really care about that. With cute slogans like ‘Coffee, Nothing Else Matters’ and “˜This Mug is Half Empty, Sad But True’, you can show that you are still a true rocker, even though your first choice of a breakfast beverage is no longer Jack and Coke. Makes a great gift for dad, who’s probably a good deal younger than James Hetfield anyway. Mug pictured is $12.90 on Etsy (though I think you can just get a regular Metallica logo mug at Amoeba for $9.99).

Cannibal Corpse Apron:

There is really not much more appetizing at dinner time than the image of a cannibal who eats corpses”¦or maybe it’s a corpse that’s a cannibal. In any case, make sure your family’s mouths are watering for their next meal by wearing this Cannibal Corpse apron. Adorned by a lovely portrait of the finest in necro-culinary adventures, this apron is sure to have them come running at dinner, but maybe the other way…. $20 at JSRDirect.com.

Mosh Potatoes Recipe Book: Stuck in a rut at dinnertime? Not sure what to make the family? Well not anymore! This Mosh Potatoes Recipe Book shares the secret recipes of heavy metal culinary greats like Megadeth’s Dave Ellefson, Anthrax’s Joey Belladonna and, the man who ate speed for breakfast, Lemmy from Motorhead. These recipes are sure to result in meals that are both nutritious and delicious”¦but don’t quote me on that. $2.99 on Kindle, $12.98 Paperback at Amazon.

Heavy Metal Fun Time Activity Book: Okay, you’re ready to rock! You have your guitar”¦check! You have your leather jacket”¦check! You have your crayons”¦what? Although you might think “˜where are my crayons’ said no metalhead ever, this heavy metal Fun Time Activity Book changes the meaning of rockin’ out. The Heavy Metal Fun Time Activity Book; because metal doesn’t always have to be about sex, drugs and devil worship. It can also be about”¦puzzles. $9.95 at Amazon.

What Does This Button Do? Bruce Dickinson Autobiography: What hasn’t Bruce Dickinson done? A Renaissance man in every sense of the word, he’s a heavy metal frontman, airline pilot, beer brewer, motivational speaker, film scriptwriter, radio deejay, and now author. Read this book to explore the Iron Maiden singer’s journey from early childhood right up to his recent battle with cancer. Available at Amazon.

Lemmy: 49% Motherfucker 51% Son Of a Bitch (Documentary):

Or is that 51% motherfucker, 49% son of a bitch? Well, never mind, the holidays are here and it is time to celebrate our lord and savior, Lemmy Kilmister. Born on Christmas Eve and died shortly after Christmas, it is a time for worship, reflection, and gratitude”¦ so turn it up, mutha! And be sure to pop in this awesome documentary with up close and personal footage of the man himself. Available on Amazon on Blu-ray and DVD.

Vibes Earplugs: The first product to make the Geeks Of Doom Metalhead Gift Guide two years in a row, these are still as noise cancelling and comfortable as ever, but now, they have extra thingies”¦ including a carrying case, replacement plugs (or whatever you want to call them), and a kind of wire thing that attaches the two earplugs, I guess so that you don’t lose them in case one of them falls out or something. Vibes has also partnered with Hear the World so that some proceeds from every purchase will go towards funding for hearing aids, surgeries, and awareness. So replace the old adage “˜if it’s too loud, you’re too old’ with “˜Vibes Earplugs”¦because no one wants to lose their hearing’! Available on Amazon for $23.99.

IGORRR: Savage Sinusoid: It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a metalhead Frenchman, it’s really bad congestion”¦ no, no, it’s Igorrr with his new album Savage Sinusoid and with three R’s in his name, you know he’s gotta mean business. This album can be best described as bizarre and will prove to be endlessly entertaining if nothing else. This no-holds-barred and sample-free, metal meets opera meets insanity release will leave you asking yourself, how does he think of these things? and”¦how does he do that without hurting his voice? Available on Amazon on CD, MP3, and Vinyl.

The Black Dahlia Murder: Nightbringers: Good, honest death metal just like we like it. With 33 minutes of mind-numbing blast beats, gutturals and hellish incantations, I can’t think of anything that conjures the spirit of the holidays quite so well. I’m keeping this one no BS, just short and sweet (or maybe that’s short and sweaty) just like the album. Available on Amazon on CD, MP3, and Vinyl.

Here’s some quick picks from GoD’s Empress Eve of Doom and Metal.

Quick Picks

Access All Areas: Stories from a Hard Rock Life
Hardcover | Kindle
By Scott Ian
Publisher: Da Capo Press

Scott Ian, guitarist and co-founder of NYC thrash metal band legends Anthrax, follows up his 2014 autobiography I’m the Man with Access All Areas, a new memoir filled with the musician’s tales from the road and other escapades.

Well, that’s it for the Metal Head Gift Guide… until next year when you let me know just how many of these items ended up regifted.