Hey all you headbanging, leather jacket-wearing, long-haired, stage diving, crowdsurfing, pot smoking, beer drinking, earring in your ears mother effers. You know what time of year it is!
No, it’s not time to get Slayer tickets”¦no, it’s not time to reserve your copy of the new Cattle Decap”¦.it’s time to start your holiday shopping lists.
Okay, I know holiday shopping isn’t the most metal thing to do, but if you want Charlie to keep giving you hits off his bong and you want to Electra to pick up those extra tickets to Knotfest, it’s time to pay the piper. Besides, this is also a great way to let your friends and relatives know about those goodies you’ve had your eyes on all year.
So, without further ado, here are some gifties that will ensure you have a black Christmas and a Satanic Hanukkah.
“¦ the 2019 Metalhead’s Holiday Gift Guide”¦
Getcha Pull Darrell Dimebag Sneakers: Dimebag may be gone, but he’s not forgotten. These Getcha Pull high tops have an awesome picture of Darrell holding his two favorite things, a beer and a guitar. With a price tag $91.90, you probably won’t ever want to wear them, so clear a spot on the mantle piece and take a picture of them so you can impress your friends on social media! Available on Zazzle.com in most men’s and women’s sizes; plus, you can create other items from the design as well.
Pink Skull Nails Minx Nail Wraps: You know what you can’t do with fake nails? Mosh in the mosh pit. You know what else you can’t do with fake nails? Play guitar. But if you’re a chick, or maybe even a dude, who doesn’t do any of these things and likes your nails to look Gucci or whatever, these salon quality nail coverings may be for you. Black with the pink skull makes them extra metal. Full manicure set available on Zazzle.com for twenty bucks.
Adventures of a Metal Head Librarian: There weren’t a lot of metal books that came out this year so my money’s on Adventures of a Metal Head Librarian by Anna-Marie O’Brien. The story follows O’Brien on her move from the Midwest to Los Angeles and her wild misadventures on the Sunset Strip. It’s sure to be full of sex, drugs, rock n’ roll and STDs. The best part? You can get it on your Kindle for just $3.99 ($13.95 for paperback). Pick up a copy at Amazon.com.
Metal Cats: Wait a second! Hold the phone! Do you mean to tell me I’ve been doing the Geeks of Doom Metalhead Gift Guide for like five years now and I’ve never come across Metal Cats? This book has pictures of metal heads from the heaviest, most putrid of metal bands posing with their adorable kitties. If that doesn’t fill you with the sickening feeling of Christmas cheer, I don’t know what will. The book might have come out 5 years ago, and the bands that are in it may have broken up, but it still makes a great gift. Available on Amazon for $6.99 on Kindle and $8.79 on paperback.
“˜You Rock’ Hand Stamped Fork: Who wouldn’t want a fork that they can’t eat with? You would! Especially when the two outer tongs are bent in such a way that they look like devil horn hands and the body of the fork is etched with the words “˜You Rock’. This is a great way to let the metalheads in your life know you appreciate them. Get your forkin’ fork on Etsy for $12.
Zombie Santa Claus Figurine: We all know how metal it is to make Santa evil. The next best thing to Krampus is this Zombie Santa Claus, covered in blood and holding onto a small child who is also obviously undead. Just wait until they come to your house on Christmas Eve looking for milk and brains. Available on Etsy for $45.
Celestial by Rob Halford: It might be a bit hard to believe but the same guy who is credited for obscene lyrics on songs like Eat Me Alive and Love Bites has now released a Christmas album. The album, Celestial, features four new Christmas themed Halford songs (one of which is called Donner and Blitzen, heh, heh) as well as eight Christmas covers. It’s worth a listen and it probably also makes a great coaster. Available on Amazon, $11.29 for CD and $19.99 on vinyl.
Black Silver Bat Ring with Ruby: This ring is so effin’ cool! It’s a silver ring coated with ceramic enamel and its got hand-carved bats and a ruby! That’s my very amateurish description, so check out the link for more info. It’s also priced at $295, but if my husband had got this for me as my engagement ring, I would not have complained. Available on Etsy.
Rob Zombie Christmas Stocking: Shock your parents when you hang this Rob Zombie Christmas stocking on your mantelpiece and tell them it’s not a phase. Made of a patchwork of Rob Zombie and White Zombie images and topped with fuzz that looks like it was pulled right off of Rob’s head, if you put your hand in this stocking you might not get it back. Available on Etsy for $55.
Metal Head Neck Tie: Do you have to wear a tie to work? Looking for a way to stick it to the man? This neck tie says it all. Now you can show them that you are 666% metal head, even if you have a 9-5 selling insurance. This fashionable and practical piece is available on Zazzle for $24.95.
Okay, now I’m going to turn the article over to my husband Ides, who is going to provide you with a list of new metal CDs that make great gifts. He’s not nearly as hilarious as I am, but he knows a lot more about new metal. I stopped listening in 1985 right around the time Def Leppard started rapping and and Motley Crue started wearing pink.
Here’s the top metal album picks from GoD’s metal godfather Ides Bergen.
Slipknot – We Are Not Your Kind
The Iowa nine deliver their darkest, angriest, weirdest and best effort in nearly 15 years.
Cattle Decapitation – Death Atlas
Some of the most brutal grindcore of the last two decades lie in the wake of these Southern California legends. Based on the brutality of the advance singles, there’s no reason to believe that this new release (coming November 29) will be any exception.
Knocked Loose – A Different Shade of Blue
The fuse that was lit on their 2016 debut Laugh Tracks goes off like a bomb on the Kentucky hardcore quintet’s incendiary sophomore offering.
MGLA – Age of Excuse
On their fourth full-length album, the Polish black metal unit lay down an atmospheric wall of sound that’s even more dark and ominous than their “monk from Hell” hooded stage personas.
Baroness – Gold & Grey
Savannah, Georgia prog-metal monoliths welcome new guitarist Gina Gleason into the fold for their fifth album. At just over an hour, the disc’s 17 tracks offer a bit of something for everyone from atmospheric introspection to bombastic, metallic majesty.
Here’s some picks from GoD’s Empress Eve of Doom and Metal.