Reading that headline you’re probably feeling the exact same way that everyone else is: that this has to be a joke. The Onion must be involved somewhere, right? Wrong. This looks like it’s as true as true can be. And that means we’re all doomed.

When you think “biopic” you usually think of someone like Ray Charles or Abraham Lincoln or something along those lines. We don’t live in the double-aughts anymore, however, and apparently anyone is able to get their very own biopic these days. This is the case with young Justin Bieber, the unfathomably popular singer/rapper/something or other that has inexplicably taken over the planet’s pre-tween female species. Whatever voice-cracking subtleties the 16-year-old speaks, these girls go nut-job crazy, and this apparently warrants the less-than-two-decade-old life story we need so badly.