Well metalheads, it’s Christmas time again. And no matter how much you profess to worship the devil, no matter how hard you go in the pit, no matter how tall your spikes are, no matter how long your hair is… admit it, you love Christmas. Come on, we see you headbanging to “White Christmas” and laying out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve… even if you do eat them yourself the next day.
Well, the cool thing is, Christmas is a great time for metalheads. Know why? Because right around the holidays, there’s always tons of new cool shit for metalheads to buy. Here are a few gifts that will be ideal for your Christmas list, whether you’re doing the giving or the getting.
Hey all you headbanging, leather jacket-wearing, long-haired, stage diving, crowdsurfing, pot smoking, beer drinking, earring in your ears mother effers. You know what time of year it is!
No, it’s not time to get Slayer tickets”¦no, it’s not time to reserve your copy of the new Cattle Decap”¦.it’s time to start your holiday shopping lists.
Okay, I know holiday shopping isn’t the most metal thing to do, but if you want Charlie to keep giving you hits off his bong and you want to Electra to pick up those extra tickets to Knotfest, it’s time to pay the piper. Besides, this is also a great way to let your friends and relatives know about those goodies you’ve had your eyes on all year.
So, without further ado, here are some gifties that will ensure you have a black Christmas and a Satanic Hanukkah.
Santa Claus is a metalhead. That’s right, that’s no hipster beard and stocking hat”¦ that’s a “˜10 day bender, too lazy to shave and I didn’t have anything else clean to wear, what?? ready to get my mosh on’ look. Because, let’s face it, it’s time to take Santa back. We all know he drives around on Christmas Eve in a hearse blasting Motorhead, and wondering what to get all the good metalheads for Christmas. Well, have I got a list for him!
Well, friends of the metal persuasion, that time of year has rolled around again. The holiday season is upon us, time to show up on doorsteps with your electric twangers and sing songs about roasting nuts, burn down churches, and, most of all, it’s time to avoid all your repulsive metalhead friends that might have the nerve to expect a gift. But for those of you who just don’t seem to have that flare for hiding in your closet for two months straight, here are some wallet-emptying items they’re sure to find amusing.