Each and every week, I, “Agent Mulder!” Henchman 21 and “Agent Scully!” Empress Eve read a lot of comics. Seriously you guys, a lot of comics. Maybe too many comics. I mean, it is possible”¦ theoretically. Naturally, we look forward to some more than others. I mean, who doesn’t? So, let’s take a look into the depths of our pull lists, grab some comics, and we’ll let YOU know what the top books to look forward to are for the week of March 25, 2015. Single issues and trades, they’re all here.

Well, looks like it’s going to be a trade and graphic novel heavy list this week, as we looks at a stack of new books from Image, Marvel, Top Shelf, and maybe some others. Okay, and maybe I’ll throw in a few single issues just for fun. You never know what will happen on The GoD List!

Big Hard Sex Criminals, Volume 1 Hardcover
Written by Matt Fraction
Art by Chip Zdarsky
Cover by Chip Zdarsky
Image Comics
Release Date: March 25, 2015
Cover Price: $39.99

Yeah, you read that correctly. Big Hard Sex Criminals, Volume 1 is the title of this particular literary work. And make no mistake, it’s all about sex and criminal activity. No, that’s not correct. It contains both of those, but it’s about far more than that. It’s about self discovery and growth, too. And not in the dirty ways, you pervert! If you want to know more (and you do), you’ll have to continue reading to see how I got down and dirty with this comic. I really can’t stop myself, I swear.

It’s been a rough week for fangirls and guys around the world: Han Solo broke his leg, possibly delaying the new Star Wars film. It is now a whopping 279 days until the next new episode of Game of Thrones (not that I’m counting). And to rub salt in our collective wounds, a new trailer for Michael Bay’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is circulating, which replaces our childhood icons with duck-lipped, CGI creations that look nothing like they did in their previous movies. And that’s just Megan Fox – the Turtles look even weirder.

But fear not, gentle reader – I come bearing glad tidings. This #NCBD is a veritable cornucopia of comic book riches, just waiting to be consumed by your eager eyeballs.

So dig into my top 3 picks of the week below, and then check out my new “rewind” section, where I tell you about a couple books you might’ve missed from last week.

Sex Criminals #6
Written by Matt Fraction
Art by Chip Zdarsky
Image Comics
Release Date: June 18, 2014
Cover Price: $3.50 (Digital $2.99)

We’ve followed Jon and Suzie on their time-stopping sexcapades as they Robin Hooded their way through town to save the library Suzie works at. They’ve had a run in with the Sex Police – a vigilante group with the same clock-blocking powers as our protagonists. Now Jon and Suzie try to put their bank heist days behind them, but the Sex Police won’t back off. So how do you have a normal relationship when every time you diddle your bits, sex ninjas come looking for you?

Yes, I admit it: one of the best comics I’ve read this year is about magical orgasms. This week, Sex Criminals #3 (Image Comics – $3.50), written by Matt Fraction and illustrated by Chip Zdarsky, will be the first book I tear into the moment I get home from collecting my stash.