Movie Review: Atlantic Rim

Atlantic Rim
DVD (As Attack from Beneath)
Directed by Jared Cohn
Written by Richard Lima, Thunder Levin, and Hank Woon Jr.
Starring Graham Greene, Jackie Moore, and David Chockachi
The Asylum
Release Date: July 9, 2013

I asked for this assignment, and boy howdy am I going to get it now.

If you haven’t guessed already, Atlantic Rim is the latest micro-budget bit of plagiarism to roll wheezing and exhausted off of the Asylum’s assembly line like a fetid lump of marmot dropping. Naturally the major studio release whose coattails they’re hoping to ride until they get their weekly crack allowance is Guillermo del Toro’s Pacific Rim, which hits theaters three days after the debut of the Asylum’s quickie rip-off (which is damned to an eternity of hellfire and suffering – and by that I mean Redbox rentals and Saturday afternoon airings on SyFy).

In the middle of the Atlantic Ocean an offshore oil rig unearths hideous, gigantic monsters that devour two clueless lingerie models manning a $15 million submersible and then crush the rig like an empty can of Milwaukee’s Best Light before the company has time to issue a statement. The U.S. military’s top secret program Project Armada is called in to investigate.

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