Mystery Science Theater 3000
Volume 12 Box Set Collection
Created by Joel Hodgson
Rhino Home Video
Available now

The irreverent and innovative comedy program Mystery Science Theater 3000 has been off the air since 1999, and still it garners fanatical devotion from the younger set and fan-sites-o’-plenty. I was twelve when I first saw and fell in love with this show. The episode was ROCKETSHIP X-M, y’know, the Lloyd Bridges movie? I also saw the actual movie they put into theaters four times and it was the only instance I ever almost literally died laughing. Seriously. I nearly choked to death on a SweeTart at the line “So this is what the world must sound like to Pete Townshend”¦”

For those of you who don’t know what Mystery Science Theater 3000 is (and if you’re any kind of Internet geek and you’re admitting that, you really should be ashamed of yourself), it’s that show where the guy and the two puppets in silhouette down at the bottom of the screen talk and joke through old B-movies. I had a good time with this show when it was on the air, I had a good time with the ensuing video releases, and I had a good time with the recently released Volume Twelve boxed set, which I got for free from Rhino, and is the only time being a critic rocked purely and wholly. I KNEW this Geeks of Doom gig would pay off! It isn’t ALL Dane Cook, Eli Roth, and leather-daddies from Hell!

Of course on the first of the four discs, Dr. Forrester (Trace Beaulieu) made a Clive Barker joke”¦ I THOUGHT I WAS SAFE!

But while Mystery Science Theater 3000 is a joy to watch, it is kind of a pain in the ass to review. I actually have to justify why this whole MST3K thing “works,” and I’ve found that what makes or breaks an episode of the show has little to do with whether Joel or Mike or any of the myriad actor/writers pulling robot duty are on the ball, but rather the quality of the actual movie they’re looking at. What they’ve done is basically make film criticism saleable and funny, and I know about as well as anyone else that some bad movies are not only bad on their own, but suck any degree of fun one might have with how bad they are. And try, try, try as you might, the movie just isn’t working with you.

Take disc one, for instance, a Joel episode from season 4 (there were eleven on various networks) called THE REBEL SET. Judging from the description and the insert poster, I thought it was going to be some lame exploitation movie that preyed on Middle America’s fear of “Them crazy hop-heads down in Greenwich Village.” But no, it’s an average heist drama that I might even be willing to venture could be remade decently. It’s kind of hard to pick on a movie that at least has an aspiration or two towards greatness. While I did enjoy the opening short and while it was weird to see Edward Platt (the guy who played the Chief on Get Smart) sporting a van dyke and acting all hepcat, I must say that this is the one weak episode of the four. (**1/2 out of 4)

Business picks up, though, with the next disc, a crummy James Bond clone called SECRET AGENT: SUPER DRAGON from 1966. It’s a co-national production with bad dubbing, missing frames, horrible hair, eyesore clothes, and every spy movie cliché in the book. This might be considered a prototypical episode of MST3K, perfect as the Geeky Jonestown Kool-Aid for the uninitiated. They even have a host segment in the middle of the movie to determine that being a secret agent would be awesome, if for no other reason, than to start using godawful puns. (*** out of 4)

Of course a bone of contention among fans is whether Joel Hodgson (who left in the middle of the show’s run) or Mike Nelson (who was the head writer and continued in the main acting duty until the show went off the air) was the best and the funniest host of the program. I prefer Mike, and I need guide my detractors no further than disc three, THE STARFIGHTERS. Far from being a science fiction film, this is a borderline Air Force recruitment movie from the sixties starring one-time actor, one-time presidential candidate, and full-time wacky-pants Robert Dornan. Folks, nothing happens in this movie. And while I’m not gonna be a dick and say that Joel sucked as a host, this movie would have eaten the poor guy alive. Mike, however, pulls this terrible feature back from the brink with his funny edge and weird scatological darkness. In this abundance of nothing, Nelson made SOMETHING, which bespeaks the bountiful talent of himself and the writers under his command. (***1/2 out of 4)

By the way, Robert Dornan’s Wikipedia page is a hoot, but for all the wrong reasons.

The only sci-fi film in this collection is the best and final disc, which is PARTS: THE CLONUS HORROR. It stars Dick Sargent and Peter Graves (and yes, there are Bewitched and Biography jokes) and it’s about clones being raised in a compound for their organs. One of the clones becomes aware that there is a world outside the compound and escapes to try and find out more. It’s really not a bad film, but takes a bunch of risks, not all of which pan out. A lot of fun is to be had with this flick and my only major complaint is that, for a movie with Keenan Wynn in it, there were no Dr. Strangelove/Bat Guano jokes. Would a “PREvert” comment have been too much to ask? (***1/2 out of 4)

Now if you’re saying to yourself P:TCH sounds a lot like the 2005 Michael Bay stinker The Island, then you’re not the only one who thinks so. In a move that could best be considered as “good sportsmanship,” Rhino Home Video decided to include an interview with the director of P:TCH, Robert Fiveson. In it he talks about how he was initially reticent about letting his film go under the MST3K microscope, but relented. Then when he sued DreamWorks for copyright infringement over The Island, the fans of the show sent him supportive, encouraging emails that helped him get through the lengthy legal process.

And considering that, along with watching the four discs again, something occurred to me about this show that hadn’t before. The writers of MST3K do poke fun at movies and they are irreverent, but they’re not MEAN. Most of their jokes are at the periphery of a movie and are always good natured. And this good nature seemingly rubs off on its fans. Sure they could be crass and mouthy, but I think that they’d much rather be funny. And this is the sunny side of geekdom. Being a geek can be a wonderful thing, and it’s not just chest-thumping and head-slapping and moaning about why Optimus Prime has flames on him now.

As a fan, this is essential, but for someone who has never seen this show, would I recommend this collection? Yes, but only tentatively. It’s a good cross-section of the show’s eleven-year history, but with a meager first-offering, patience could be in order, and I know that’s in short supply these days. But if you can weather this, there’s a whole boatload of these episodes floating around out there and they do pay off. It already has for millions.

And it already has for me.