10,000 B.C.
Directed by Roland Emmerich
Starring Steven Strait, Camilla Belle, Cliff Curtis
Rated PG-13
Release date: March 7, 2008

History has it that after Roland Emmerich made Godzilla and The Day After Tomorrow, he became tired of critics shitting on his movies, and went back to fourth-grade history class to learn about the people who lived 12,000 years before him. He was told by his teacher that they all spoke English and lived in houses that were bigger than Michael Vick’s dog-pit. He was told that there was no such thing as the Ice Age. Convinced by his fourth-grade teacher, he set off to make the perfect comeback film that would garner critical acclaim and earn Roland Emmerich a Best Directing Oscar. When he would accept his award, he would act surprised, compared to the Coen brothers who whispered in each other’s ears as they won, “I sooo saw that coming.”

Pfft, yeah, and someone would give Dina Lohan her own television show…

Umm… skip that.

10,000 B.C. is the single most wasted piece of celluloid that has came out in 2008. I know I’ve said that before, but this is truly the worst. Although I could have expected it coming from the same guy who has directed Independence Day, The Day After Tomorrow, and Godzilla, you could at least TRY directing a good movie (and honestly, who in the hell advertises their movie by saying “the director of Independence Day and The Day After Tomorrow?). But I guess Roland Emmerich, director of 10,000 B.C., would rather have the film looking pretty instead of being historically accurate.

D’Leh (Steven Strait) is a mammoth hunter in the year 10,000 B.C. After killing a mammoth that he really didn’t kill (it pretty much killed himself), he receives the White Spear and the woman of his dreams (Camilla Belle). But then, another tribe invades D’Leh’s tribe, and many are kidnapped. One of those people are Belle’s character, and D’Leh, two other people, and a kid that looks like Corbin Bleu go out there and search for the kidnapped.

And it’s in English…

What the fuck…?

Dude, seriously, what the fuck…?

Roland Emmerich claims that the reason that he uses English is because people don’t want to read subtitles and not be able to pay attention to what is really going on. But that’s what he just doesn’t like. Many other people claim that reading subtitles are like reading a comic book. Or maybe what he really means is that he wants to make a lot of money by speaking English. I guess the ass-stink didn’t look at Mel Gibson’s previous two movies — Apocalypto and The Passion of the Christ. Both films were in a foreign language and both films managed to make plenty of money (Apocalypto made $50 million and if you need a reminder, The Passion of the Christ made $370 million).

But enough of the English language. Even if they corrected the English language part, I still wouldn’t be able to sit through the pile of dog crap. 10,000 B.C. makes you look like an idiot just watching it. Characters look like autistic patients, and half of the audience begins laughing at it. Roland Emmerich is like Sacha Baron Cohen — he can sure as hell make us look like a damn idiot, but to cover it up, he has to put on a show for you also. And that’s what he does. We’re not only laughing at the autistic patient, but now, we’re laughing at the incorrect timeline. Yes, it does take place in 10,000 B.C., but that is right after the Ice Age, correct? And in the Ice Age, wasn’t every mammoth and saber-toothed tiger extinct?

The worst part about 10,000 B.C., though, is all of that time spent making that setting. Sure, it looks pretty, but it looks like more time was used to build the set instead of editing the movie. And you’re probably asking me, “But what about 300? Wasn’t that historically inaccurate but very pretty? You gave that four stars and a spot on your top 25 too, right?” Well yeah, but 300 was supposed to be historically inaccurate since it was based on Frank Miller’s graphic novel, and it was supposed to look pretty. I don’t care if it looks pretty though. For seven bucks, I want to see a good movie, not a pretty one. If I want pretty, I’ll go look at my poster of Keeley Hazell hanging up in my room.

And hell, I’m not even mad about that. I came out of the movie saying screw the use of English language, the incorrect timeline, and the setting. I knew that before I walked into the movie that I was going to hate it. Just two months ago, I saw Uwe Boll’s In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, and honestly, I liked it. Sure it wasn’t the best film ever, but it wasn’t trying to be. And with the name Uwe Boll involved in the production of a film, you don’t go into it expecting much to begin with. It’s kind of bad when I give an Uwe Boll film two and a half asterisks out of four and give a Roland Emmerich movie one asterisk. The two films are very similar in terms of plot, and which one gets the most attention? I’ll give you a hint: the guy directed Bloodrayne and Alone in the Dark and didn’t rub it in on anyone.

I tried with this film, but it was just boring. I couldn’t get over the fact that it was historically incorrect and it fucked me five ways ‘til Sunday. 10,000 B.C. is a piece of shit, and the fact that it made more money than The Bank Job this past weekend is ridiculous itself. Stay away — far away.

* out of ****