By BAADASSSSS

TerrorVision
Directed by Ted Nicolaou
Starring Diane Franklin, Gerrit Graham, Mary Woronov, Chad Allen, Jennifer Richards, Jon Gries, Bert Remsen
Altair Productions
Rated R
Released February 14, 1986

Watching TerrorVision (1986) for the first time in twenty years was quite the eye-opening experience for me. Within the first few minutes of this supremely gooey and politically incorrect little gem a lot of memories came flooding back that had long been suppressed by the passage of time and the onset of a soul-deadening cynicism towards almost everything I enjoyed growing up. I was instantaneously transported back to a period of innocence in my youth when my friends and I spent a lot of our free time hanging out, shooting the shit, and enjoying the kind of trash cinema that our parents (well mine at least) didn’t understand and forbid us from ever watching.

Movies like House (and its family-friendly sequel House II: The Second Story), Summer Camp Nightmare, Critters, Night Of The Creeps, Return To Salem’s Lot, and Fright Night were like a secret handshake amongst us. The adults would tan our hides or at the very least dress us down before forcing us to endure another annual viewing of The Sound Of Music if they ever caught us, but it would so be worth it because we loved the movies no matter if they were good or bad. For better or worse, that’s what a movie like TerrorVision means to me.

It brings back memories of haunting the horror section of the local video store in the old days of the top loader VCRs. It reminds me of many a late Saturday night spent watching Dr. Gruesome’s Movie Morgue on Richmond’s FOX affiliate Channel 35 after Saturday Night Live went off. This show was our own local horror movie showcase introduced in the wake of the success of horror hosts like Vampira, Ghoulardi, and that sad Vampira clone Elvira (all tits and no personality). Through the majesty of Dr. Gruesome and his clown wig and eye patch-wearing hunchback comic sidekick Skeeter I was first exposed to such classics as Friday The 13th (and several of its sequels), the aforementioned Night Of The Creeps, The Terminator, and Halloween to name but a few of the good ones.

So enough of my old man reminiscing. On to TerrorVision!

It’s a typical evening in the life of the Putterman family. Dad Stan (Gerrit Graham, Phantom Of The Paradise) is struggling to install his new state-of-the-art “Do It Yourself 100” satellite dish. Mom Raquel (Mary Woronov, Death Race 2000) is working out and whining about the television reception. Daughter Suzy (Diane Franklin, Better Off Dead) is preparing for an evening out with her new boyfriend, lame-brained metalhead O.D. (Jon Gries, Napoleon Dynamite). Son Sherman (Chad Allen, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman) is enjoying a marathon of vintage horror movies presented by his favorite hostess Medusa (Jennifer Richards). Then there’s lovable Grampa (Bert Remsen, pretty much every movie Robert Altman made in the 1970s) ranting and raving about international conspiracies and the “intellectual decay” of television while sporting combat fatigues and heavy artillery in his fortified bomb shelter. Meanwhile Mom and Dad are heading out for a night of swinging while young Sherman is left in the care of Grampa. Yes it’s a typical evening in the life of this all-American nuclear family.

Yet while enjoying some quality schlock cinema Grampa fiddles around with the satellite remote and locks in on a strange new program — a picture of a grotesque, slobbering monster with bulging eyes. Sherman and the old man think nothing of it at first, but then as the duo doze on the couch the creature suddenly emerges from the television and begins its killing/eating spree. Unfortunately for Sherman, the only one who has seen the monster in the slimy flesh, he can’t get anyone in his family to believe his story even as the Puttermans’ otherworldly intruder moves about the house killing them and their fellow swingers one-by-one. Once Suzy and that dope O.D. return home it’s up to Sherman and them to find a way to destroy this ugly beastie before it eats its way through the whole of the human race. They may find additional help from an unlikely source — Medusa herself.

1980’s cheese ball cinema doesn’t get much cheesier than TerrorVision. After making his directorial debut helming a portion of 1985’s The Dungeonmaster (along with six other directors) Ted Nicolaou, who got his start in the movie business as a location soundman on the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974), was given the reigns of his very first solo outing which he directed from his own screenplay (based on a story helpfully provided by Empire Pictures majordomo Charles Band). The young neophyte filmmaker must have signed a lifetime slave contract with the Bands because the majority of the movies Nicolaou has made have come with either the Empire Pictures stamp or the Full Moon Video label. Such a shame because with TerrorVision he displays a real directorial finesse and a playful sense of humor amidst the nonstop multicolored mayhem of his gleefully nihilistic sci-fi horror comedy. When you’re dealing with a premise this patently absurd it helps to have fun with the material. At times the movie plays like a more gruesome version of an old school Joe Dante movie, only not as good, or an R-rated Disney Channel movie, only much better and not so cavity inducing.

I think what makes TerrorVision somewhat unique when compared to the decade’s many other grue-dripping splatter fests is its complete and most likely intentional lack of sympathetic characters. The Puttermans and every other character that drifts into their orbit make for one of the biggest collection of unlikable douchebags ever seen on celluloid. You really enjoy watching these materialistic and self-absorbed muttonheads get theirs at the hands and slop-dripping jaws of the alien monster. Hell, that’s most of the fun of watching this flick.

The rest of the fun comes from watching how the makers of TerrorVision load up this sick sucker with enough horrid 1980’s excess to weigh down an aircraft carrier. Bad music (these punks listen to fucking W.A.S.P.?), brightly colored hair, nauseating fashions and home decorum, and about as many uses of the word “dude” as there were uses of the word “fuck” in The Devil’s Rejects are just the tip of the atrocious iceberg. At one point the 1970’s makes a special guest appearance in the form of the goofy gold chains Dad Putterman sports for a night on the town. Plus Mom and Dad’s “Pleasure Dome” (you’ll see) would give the person who designed Plato’s Retreat hot flashes (no surprise given the movie was made in Rome, Italy — that’s amore).

John Carl Buechler, special effects makeup man extraordinare and the director of Troll and Friday The 13th VII: The New Blood, managed to create a lovably grotesque creature on a budget a fraction of what KNB EFX gets to work with these days. Empire in-house composer Richard Band‘s synthesizer score meshes well with the action and comes across as vastly superior when matched against the lousy 80’s metal constantly playing throughout the movie, including a poppy title song by a group of happy-go-lucky idiots known as the Fibonaccis. It’s not as good as his work on Re-Animator and From Beyond though but it gets the job done. R. Christopher Biggs provides some suitably gloppy make-up effects including some choice head and body squishings with plenty of green blood (taking a cue from Evil Dead 2). The pace of the film lags at times but at a running time of barely 84 minutes it doesn’t stay around long enough to wear out its welcome.

Nicolaou was wise to assemble a cast of strong cult and character actors with enough talent between them to carry the movie through the more bizarre moments that would have defeated a less experienced cast. Gerrit Graham and Mary Woronov are fittingly smug and foolish as the acquisitive yuppie scum parents. Veteran actor Bert Remsen makes for a fine crazy grandfather. Chad Allen and Diane Franklin acquit themselves decently as the bratty and unlikable Putterman brood. Jon Gries has some of the funnier moments playing an over-the-top metal-lovin’ bonehead.

So all in all a movie like TerrorVision is a good time for the adventurous sci-fi/horror fan yet is never funny or scary enough (where’s the terror promised in the title?) to be memorable on its own. However, for me it will always remain a special viewing experience film mainly for the memories it stirs up of the great unapologetic trash that the 1980’s happily spewed forth aiming to make a quick buck but found a unique place in the hearts of the fans who grew to appreciate it.

Have fun. Until next time I remain”¦.BAADASSSSS!