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Film Maniac’s Fall 2007 Film Fears
Tony D, Hardcore Film Maniac   |  

Film Maniac's Fall 2007 Film FearsAh, it’s that time of year again. Every year, there is that one season where things start to look up. This time of year is all about the awards. Voters for the Academy, Golden Globes, and MTV will be looking at all of these films that are released this year, and they will keep the films released around this time in mind.

Will this year be better than last year? Last year, we had Scorsese, Nolan, Cuaron, del Toro, Frears, Condon, Eastwood, Inarritu, Almodovar, Gibson, Zwick, Soderbergh, Field, and De Palma. This year, our line-up includes Taymor, Cronenberg, Lee, PTA, the Coen brothers, Baumbach, Scott, Farrelly brothers, Haggis, Mangold, Jordan, Penn, Anderson, and Forster. You decide which year is better.

In Part I of my two-part series, “The Rest of 2007 Movies – The Good, The Bad, and the Very F**king Ugly,” I showed you the movies that I am looking forward to. This time, however, are the ones that I don’t want to see, or the ones that look horrible. You will see me be a nasty bastard again, however, this won’t contain as many fucks as “Nil by Mouth” did or as many ass eaters as “Georgia Rule” had. Are you strapped in?

August Rush Movie PosterThe Film That Will Interest Everyone Else but Me:


I remember seeing the trailer during The Simpsons Movie, and I didn’t understand why people all around me were tearing up. It looked”¦ mediocre. The kid (Freddie-something from Finding Neverland) doesn’t really appeal to me. He’s just another one of those kids that should have stopped acting after his one big hit, because he will start acting in mainstream films. And that’s what he is doing now too. I also don’t understand the plot. After the trailer was over, I kept asking myself what it was about. Will I be seeing this over Thanksgiving break? Possibly a double with Hitman, but let’s hope that the next trailer makes the film seem a little bit better.

Director: Kirsten Sheridan
Cast: Freddie Highmore (that’s his name), Robin Williams, Keri Russell
Rated PG for some thematic elements, mild violence, and language
Release Date: November 21, 2007 (wide)

Mr. Woodcock Movie PosterThe Movie That Is Already Making My Groin Hurt:


1. A kick in the balls.
2. Hit with a chair.
3. Trips and falls.
4. Loss of left testicle.

Yes that is ALL that Mr. Woodcock has, besides a tiny little plot surrounded around it, and that is if you are nice enough to call it a plot. I call it bullshit. Whatever happened to the days where Seann William Scott played Stifler and fucking became my hero, and when Billy Bob Thornton starred in quality flicks instead of starring next to Jon Heder and even having a bitch make him his bitch? They both lost a bit of talent since those days, but Mr. Woodcock is going to fuck them over. Look for whomever reviews this movie to curse more times than me, because I know I’m not wasting my four dollars on something with the word “cock” in the title. Actually Mr. Woodcock does sound like a porno, if you have a perverted mind”¦

Director: Craig Gillespie
Cast: Billy Bob Thornton, Seann William Scott, Susan Sarandon
Rated PG-13 for crude and sexual content, thematic material, language, and a mild drug reference
Release Date: September 14, 2007 (wide)

Fred Claus Movie PosterThe Reason Santa Clause Is Fake:


The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. — George Carlin

When I was younger, I saw Bad Santa (that was also when Billy Bob was one of my heroes), and I BELIEVED in the man that they called Santa Claus again. Well, it’s not that I did believe in him, but if he was real, I believed that he was an alcoholic slob with a foul mouth (woo, wonder how I learned that of him). It was hard enough to know that Tim Allen, or waste of spermicide, starred as a good Santa, but PAUL GIAMATTI?! THE SAME PAUL GIAMATTI FROM “CINDERELLA MAN”?! No fucking way. And to see that boring bastard with droopy eyelids that just happens to be named Vince Vaughn play his brother just makes me even madder. And to think children actually watch this crap. If I ever found out my child watched a film like this, I’d sit him down, tie him to a radiator, and make him watch Bad Santa twenty times, and then let him watch Jingle All The Way. Now THAT is a good children’s Christmas movie.

Director: David Dobkin
Cast: Vince Vaughn, Paul Giamatti, Kathy Bates
Rated PG for mild language and some rude humor
Release Date: November 9, 2007 (wide)

Wristcutters: A Love Story Movie PosterThe Highest Grossing Emo Movie Ever Besides Spider-Man 3:


WOO HOO! ANOTHER FUCKING EMO MOVIE! YOU GO HOLLYWOOD! When you corporate fuckers aren’t making money off of them damn remakes, you are making money from them Emo teens that you just feel like strangling and beating the shit out of. HEY! That’s one thing that I never thought of! I will march down the halls opening night and kick every single fucking Emo child in the face. Because if you don’t kick them in the face, they won’t stop. They finally might be able to take their own life so there would be one less Emo kid. This is probably the best idea Hollywood has come up with since”¦ gawd, I can’t even remember.

But in all seriousness, this movie is gonna blow hard.

Director: Goran Dukic
Cast: Patrick Fugit, Shannyn Sossamon, Shea Whigham,Tom Waits, Will Arnett, Leslie Bibb, Sarah Roemer
Rated R for language and disturbing content involving suicide
Release Date: October 19, 2007 (limited)

Perfect Shit:


What do I hate more than a movie that tries to tell kids that Santa is real?

A movie that tries to tell us that miracles really do come true on Christmas.

There’s a reason to all of this. When I was seven, I really wanted this bike. It was black and had flames all over it. My neighbor had a bike like it before me, and he got all the chicks. I said to myself that I wanted to get chicks, too. So I put that on my Christmas list, and”¦ NO FUCKING BIKE ON CHRISTMAS DAY!

Although I did get a Nintendo 64. I was happy.

But that only goes to show ya. Miracles don’t happen. That means that this movie will be a piece of shit, even if it does have God’s brother from another mother, Charlie Murphy, the more talented brother of Eddie Murphy.

Director: Lance Rivera
Cast: Gabrielle Union, Terrence Howard, Queen Latifah
Not Yet Rated
Release Date: December 14, 2007 (wide)

Saw IV Movie PosterThe Sequel That Everyone Else My Age Will Like But I Will Hate:


Most of you guys know that I’m still a teen, and because I am a teen, I know people, who are, in fact, teens, believe it or not. The one thing that teens love more than remakes are horror films, especially the brutal ones that just happen to go under the torture porn sub-genre of horror. And if I hear one more person say how good Saw 3 was, I will kick their ass. Because all you fuckers are saying that they are good, they are making money! They are only going to come out with more sequels, and they are only gonna run out of ideas. My advice is to stop seeing them, but then again, I’m looking forward to Postal, so better not take advice from me.

Director: Darren Lynn Bousman
Cast: Tobin Bell, Lyrig Bent, Costas Mandylor
Not Yet Rated, but expect an R
Release Date: October 26, 2007 (wide)

Pathology Rush Movie PosterThe Film – HOLY SHIT THEY MADE SAW V:


Woo woo wee woo. Here comes the money ambulance, and you fuckers are gonna pour your money into this one also! If this one does come out to be rated R, I won’t be surprised. It stars Milo Ventimiglia. I have had a good relationship with him on earth for a good time now, with him in Heroes and all. If he screws it up (which, I’m sure he will), it will truly hurt me and my relationship, therefore having to come to his house and unscrewing his lightbulbs, then sticking them up his arse. Nothing gets me more mad than when someone that I respect fucks me over (Jason Bateman just recently did it, and did you see the plate of ass I gave him?) That being said, I will be looking forward to giving Ventimiglia a fresh plate.

Director: Marc Schoelermann
Cast: Milo Ventimiglia, Alyssa Milano, Johnny Whitworth
Not Yet Rated
Release Date: November 30, 2007 (wide)

Mr. Magoriums Wonder Emporium Movie PosterThe Film That Begs the Question Why I’m Always Ridiculed When I Take My Lightsaber to the Movies for Protection from Fanboys:


Before I start my little paragraph for this movie, yes, I take my lightsaber to movies. I don’t like taping my knuckles while watching the movie, so I need something else to help me, and the last time I shot a gun, I shot the wrong guy.

Going on, this Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium looks like a bigger piece of duke than Pathology. The reason I associate these two films is that they both have two of my favorite actors that just happen to star in shitty movies — Milo Ventimiglia in Pathology and Natalie Portman, Dustin Hoffman, and Jason Bateman (who I have already lost tons of respect for) in this piece of shit. Natalie Portman looks like a guy, Dustin Hoffman looks like a girl, and Jason Bateman looks like both. Is that supposed to be right? I don’t know, but I don’t wanna know. It looks like a piece of shit, and I’m steering clear away, at least until DVD.

Director: Zack Helm
Cast: Natalie Portman, Dustin Hoffman, Jason Bateman
Not Yet Rated
Release Date: November 16, 2007 (wide)

In The Valley of Elah Movie PosterWoo! Paul Haggis!:


I’m going to admit, I do NOT want to see this movie. But goddamn, am I curious. There seems to be a lot of press around it, and I’m sure it’s going to win an Oscar (look at who’s directing it. It doesn’t look like it will be racist, and I don’t think there is any movie that deals with gays in it that is contending for Best Picture this year). If it does play near me, I’ll probably see it. That is, under three conditions:

1. Across the Universe promises. And it gives me what I fucking want.

2. Someone else admits that James Franco was the best part of Spider-Man 3, as well as Bruce Campbell’s 30-second cameo.

3. No one talks about it to me until it is released and I review it. I better not see it in the goddamn comments either.

Director: Paul Haggis
Cast: Tommy Lee Jones, Susan Sarandon, James Franco
Rated R for violent and disturbing content, language, and some sexuality/nudity
Release Date: September 14, 2007 (limited), September 21, 2007 (wide)

Good Luck Chuck Movie PosterThe Movie That Stars Dane Cook:


I know it pretty much explains itself. I used to like Employee of the Month. I originally gave it three out of four. That is until I watched Dane Cook’s standup special, and if this waste of sperm thinks he can make an ORIGINAL joke that can make me laugh in this film, it better be fucking worth it. Not only do I think he steals jokes, he uses my word “badass.” I’ll fuck his badass up.

Oh, and does he really have to explain every single goddamn detail of his jokes?

Okay, okay, I’m walking in this door. Rectangle door. Little window in the middle of it. I push the door open. It opens up for me. Just enough for me to fit. SHUT THE FUCK UP, DANE.

Look forward to Dr. Royce Clemens’ review of it. I know I am.

Director: Mark Helfrich
Cast: Dane Cook, Jessica Alba, Dan Fogler (ooh lala. I think I just may have to see this one for myself).
Rated R for sequences of strong sexual content including crude dialogue, nudity, language, and some drug use
Release Date: September 21, 2007 (wide, and no, not Jessica Alba’s legs)

Why Did I Get Married  Movie PosterWhy Did I Get Made?:


When we don’t see Tyler Perry cross-dressing, we see him talking about how drugs and violence emerge onto our streets. There is obviously going to be a lot of this in this film, as there was in them damn Madea movies and Daddy’s Little Girls. And word of advice Perry, don’t keep going around making movies out of your plays. Do something that you can write that you didn’t write before. Stop making the same goddamn movie with different characters. Set it somewhere else than in Atlanta. Make a decent goddamn movie that doesn’t show us why violence and drugs are bad. If it turns out that it’s just another one of those movies, I will fucking flip. But if it isn’t, then I will shit.

Director: Tyler Perry (who else)
Cast: Tyler Perry (who else), Janet Jackson, Sharon Leal
Rated PG-13 for mature thematic material, sexual references, and language
Release Date: October 12, 2007 (wide)

The Game Plan Movie PosterThe Newest Reason Why the Rock Should Go Back To Wrestling:


Did you guys see the trailer for this piece of shit? Well if you did, this movie needs no explaining. But if you didn’t, then I guess it does. Remember Vin Diesel in The Pacifier? Well, here is The Rock, just as badass as Diesel making as big a mistake as Diesel made. The Game Plan is just why Disney should do something else other than making action movie stars look like crap. Good job Disney. Go get hit by a truck, you cum-guzzling money grubbers! Am I allowed to say that?

Director: Andy Fickman
Cast: The Rock, Kyra Sedgwick, Roselyn Sanchez
Rated PG for some mild thematic elements
Release Date: September 28, 2007 (wide)

Alvin and the Chipmunks Movie PosterThe Film That Will Cause Kevin Smith to Fall Into A Coma:


Kevin Smith did an extraordinary thing for Jason Lee — he made the bastard a star. If it wasn’t for Smith, he wouldn’t be anyone. Even I like some of his films that no one else likes — Stealing Harvard, Big Trouble, Drawing Flies “¦ but even this film gets my panties in a bunch. You can just tell by the trailer that this film will be terrible. Look what it has — three goddamn rodents that have the most annoying and screeching voices in the fucking world. Now who will pay to see that shit? Sorry Kevin, but even if you made Brodie one hell of a character, you just haven’t made Jason one hell of an actor.

Director: Tim Hill
Cast: Jason Lee, David Cross, Don Tiffany
Not Yet Rated
Release Date: December 14, 2007 (wide)

I Could Never Be Your Woman Movie PosterSay Hello To More Wasted Talent:


I have a bug up my ass when it comes to romantic comedies. Only a selected few seem to please me, and they only come about once a year. However, I already had my romantic comedy this year (Knocked Up), so I’m ready for next year. Good thing though, because I Could Never Be Your Woman totally wastes all of the talent that so many of these stars that we see in movies today have worked to get. There is Paul Rudd, who even starred in Knocked Up and is becoming a friggen A-list star. Michelle Pfeiffer, the woman who could never age, stars with Rudd, after her two big comebacks as villains. Then you even have Tracy Ullman. I’m sure that even YOU know that this film will be bad. And that’s why I’m standing clear away so I say nothing bad about those three. God only know how much I want to love these guys (and girls).

Director: Amy Heckerling
Cast: Michelle Pfeiffer, Paul Rudd, Tracy Ullman
Rated PG for sexual content and language
Release Date: November 9, 2007 (wide)

The Water Horse Movie PosterThe WORST Film For The Rest Of 2007:


Question Sony … How do you make money off of The Water Horse? By saying that it is the same studio that brought you The Chronicles of Narnia, of course. Because all of those goddamn fantasy movies that had dragons (you know, the one released last year that had more references to Star Wars than Revenge of the Sith had) made so much goddamn money, we just have to make more money by producing this schlock. I will be riding away on my water horse when this film comes out Christmas Day to the nearest theater that is playing the real awesome film, Aliens vs. Predators: Requiem. Now, what do you Chronicles of Narnia fuckers have to say about that?

Director: Jay Russell
Cast: Brian Cox, Emily Watson, David Morrissey
Rated PG for mild action/violence, some language, and smoking
Release Date: December 25, 2007 (wide)

And so that is it for 2007. I have covered the good and the bad. The really fucking ugly is just what you will see on that new TMZ show coming soon, if you really wanted to know. Until then, read my future reviews and everyone else’s from Geeks of Doom, and may the Hardcore Film Maniac wish you a good rest of 2007.


  1. I am with you for most of these. Although I do want to check out In The Valley Of The Elah.
    Keep up the good work. Stay angry!!!

    Comment by Jerry — September 17, 2007 @ 9:57 am

  2. Nice work TD

    Comment by Jeremy W — September 17, 2007 @ 10:40 am

  3. Narnia was a complete shit-head. I can’t believed so many fell for it with below average acting of the 4 leads, horrible CGIs and worst of all, pathetic silly plot. Harry Potter it ain’t and will never be. I am still angry at it being a higher grosser than Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire.

    Oh! While at that, was ‘Traffic’ a movie to begin with? I don’t get it. I mean it was supposed to deal with racism but was I educated after watching the movie?

    I will def watch ‘MR. MAGORIUM’S WONDER EMPORIUM’ no matter how bad it will be or is it!?! Miss Portman is the only reason I would pay top dollars to watch this movie. Nuff said!

    Comment by Armand — September 18, 2007 @ 12:39 am

  4. Oops..sorry for the 2nd posting..or 3rd..but who’s counting when having this much fun reading your articles

    AVP Requiem is fucking awesome. AVP1 was on of my top 50 Sci-Fi movie and this one seems like it will rank higher. Still, the best of the lot is Alien 2. Thanks for posting the link..awesome!

    Comment by Armand — September 18, 2007 @ 12:47 am

  5. Did you mean Traffic? or Crash? And thank you.

    Comment by Tony DeFrancisco — September 18, 2007 @ 6:29 am

  6. you are funny as shit.

    MUCH funnier than dane cook.

    Comment by RWJ — September 21, 2007 @ 3:10 pm

  7. I know you think you’re god’s gift to movie reviews/previews, but you just come off as an idiotic and ignorant 15 year old here. Maybe if you gave more reasons than “fuck this movie is going to blow”, then I’d feel more compelled to care about your opinion. I even agree with you on most of these, but you’re writing is atrocious. Broaden your horizons and vocabulary.

    Comment by Boosh — September 24, 2007 @ 4:46 am

  8. Tony..Oops

    I was ref to Crash..not Traffic.

    Traffic was so much better.

    Cheers mate

    Comment by Armand — September 24, 2007 @ 6:03 am

  9. Jason Lee can act. Watch Almost Famous. He did very decent work in The Incredibles or Mumford. His choice of projects, however, passes moronic.

    Comment by Ellen Armstrong — September 24, 2007 @ 8:18 am

  10. To Boosh:

    How can you complain about the writing being atrocious when your grammar is at retard level? See the extract from your post below with correction:
    “I even agree with you on most of these, but you’re writing is atrocious. Broaden your horizons and vocabulary.”
    “you’re”?[you are]! No, Boosh, it is “your”

    Comment by Craig Bruton — September 24, 2007 @ 9:17 am

  11. I agree with the above posts regarding your lack of reasoning. I actually heard a lot about Wristcutters when it was looking for distribution and when it killed at Sundance. It has nothing to do with the emo bullshit that you and I both hate. But you seem to go by titles and trash movies to fill your forum here…. poor form.

    Comment by Matt — September 24, 2007 @ 9:36 am

  12. Bah. Your preview of Wristcutters is so off base I really have to question if you know anything about it other than the title. You don’t even have the right actors listed (Will Arnett has a minor role in it while Patrick Fugit, Shannon Sossamon and Shea Whigham are the stars). Your synopsis is more an attack on dorky teenagers (of which you are one anyway) than a statement of anything the film is about. Check out the imdb link and see for yourselves:

    [ED. NOTE: While you’re incorrect in stating that Tony didn’t list the ‘right’ actors, being that all those previously listed herein do appear in the movie, the cast listing information has now been updated to include more of the main players.]

    Comment by Brandon — September 24, 2007 @ 9:54 am

  13. If you look into Wristcutters a bit more, you’ll find that it actually has little to do with emo culture. I watched it at the Philadelphia Film Festival about a year and a half ago and besides featuring a cast of suicides, it’s creativity and genuine comedy really set it apart from typical emo fare. Tom Waits is in it, and by the sound of his voice, I’m pretty sure he has three testicles. Nothing that manly could appear in an emo movie! In fact, seeing as Director Goran Dukic is from Eastern Europe, he probably had no idea (and therefore no way to reference) the very American isolationist “emo culture” (if you want to be nice and call it that).

    Oh, and to Craig Bruton:

    I always find it interesting how, instead of attacking someone’s points, people on the internet attack grammar and spelling, and then say little to nothing else. Ok, so he used a contraction when he shouldn’t have. Now, instead of criticizing what he wrote, try criticizing what he actually said. It makes a much more compelling argument.

    Comment by WmB — September 24, 2007 @ 11:01 am

  14. I agree with Boosh. The rantings of this (clearly DemonCrat) individual are ridiculous at the outset. Whatever whimsical qualities and ‘street cred’ he tries to evoke is lost in morass of marginal grammar and a poor taste in film.

    I will say, though, that I will be pleased that by the time you reach the proper age, and when President-Elect Romney reinstitutes the draft, you will be a the front of the line. That will make a man of you.

    As for the rest of you, vote Romney in 2008! The time for true leadership is now!

    Comment by ROMNEY IN 2008 — September 24, 2007 @ 11:25 am

  15. I just want you to know that DANE COOK can and will kick your ass when he reads this… He is a comic god and 3 million other people feel the same way. If I were you I would apologize to him.

    Comment by Johnny Blaze — September 24, 2007 @ 12:44 pm

  16. I agree with you on most of the movies, especially Good Luck Chuck, but for men everywhere, at least this time Jessica Alba isn’t invisible.

    The only movie on this list that I would love to see: In The Valley Of Elah

    Comment by David Hollingsworth — September 24, 2007 @ 4:24 pm

  17. Wow. This was so badly written. (burp) Pardon me, but…I took a shot evrrry time the phrase (hic) “piece of shit” was used, and…(urrp) MAN am I plastered. I can barely see the keys. So, for the future, the next time you, uh…you uh…ahahaha, dude, I fucking LOVE Star Wars. And that dragon movie (burrrp) ugh….what were we talking about? Oh right. Yeah. So the next time you sit down to write an opinion piece about bad movies, try to be a bit more creative than simply using “shit”, “fuck”, and “goddamn” five times per (hic) paragraph-long review. I suggest metaphors. To wit: “Dane Cook is about as funny as a retard falling down the stairs. Actually, no, that’s pretty funny. As funny as a…cat getting shot.” See, even the mental image of a furry little innocent kitten is about twice as funny as this article was. (burrrp)

    Comment by Steve Franz — September 24, 2007 @ 6:08 pm

  18. Holy shit, I didn’t even realize I was ripping into the writing skills of a 16-year-old kid with a fucking Myspace page and a Tarantino obsession. Oh man, I was so off-base. Your writing skills are actually fairly average, so congratulations; when you graduate high school there’s absolutely no threat of you becoming a serious journalist. Keep reaching for those stars! And remember to take AP classes whenever you can, they sure helped a lot.

    Comment by Steve Franz — September 24, 2007 @ 6:14 pm

  19. Basically I have gained nothing from reading these so called “previews”. You preview next to nothing, especially in the plot department. Your age and lack of maturity really shows through on each one. Obviously this will mean nothing to you, but at least someone is saying it.

    Comment by Desmond David Hume — September 24, 2007 @ 6:36 pm

  20. Ellen Armstrong: I didn’t actually say that Jason Lee was a terrible actor. Actually, I think he’s a pretty damn good actor. “Almost Famous” is a terrific movie and I’m quite fond of his Earl character. He just has a long way to go until where I consider him “a serious actor.” He’s like Eddie Murphy – we know he can act, but we also know that he picks the biggest bullshit out there.

    Boosh: Actually, I did give reasons for every single one of them. Open up your damn eyes. And I won’t even say about “I even agree with you on most of these, but you’re writing is atrocious.”

    Brandon: If more people called me names like ‘dorky teenagers,’ I’d actually have a lot more friends around here. Cheers mate.

    WMB: Okay, maybe I DIDN’T look into Wristcutters. I’ll admit it when I’m wrong, and I know for a fact htat I didn’t. BUT, wouldn’t you stay clear away from the plot if you just read the title and if you were tired with the emo bullshit? My point exactly.

    Romney in 2008: God I feel bad for you. You poor man/woman/shim.

    Johnny Blaze: If I were you, I’d take that back. I heard Dane Cook eats the ass of a three year old whenever he wants to use strength to even get the tweezers to pluck his fucking eyebrows.

    Steve Franz: Sixteen, yes I just turned sixteen. I understand that I’m not as advanced as most people here (and being that as I’m only a freshman, I still got a long way to go), but it will only be a matter of time. And sorry if I said fuck so much… I have been limiting my use of that word. And I fucking LOVE Star Wars too. DONT FALL FOR THEM DAMN LORD OF THE RINGS BITCHES!

    Comment by Tony DeFrancisco — September 24, 2007 @ 6:36 pm

  21. Didn’t mean to come off like such a dick, but I decided I needed to be all bitchy on the internets right after I woke up and saw someone dissing on one of the most interesting films coming out this year in Wristcutters. The imdb linkage is always a crap shoot, and I’m sure you probably would have put a little more time and research into this piece if you knew how many people would be reading it. Keep being a dorky teenager while you can- before you know it you’ll be a pissed off 27 year old working a dead end job and finally finishing up school so you can get on with your life. Sheesh.

    Comment by Brandon — September 25, 2007 @ 1:15 am

  22. lol its no big deal about it. I will admit that I didn’t look into the movie other than the cast and the title, and because I’m fed up with all that emo crap, I had to list it. I didnt really think that I had to know what the plot was, just because I thought the title was enough… Sorry that was inaccurate mate.

    Comment by Tony DeFrancisco — September 25, 2007 @ 4:12 pm

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