To make a long story short”¦
I reviewed the twentieth anniversary DVD of Hellraiser for Fatally-Yours.com because, well, it’s been twenty years and I hadn’t seen the Goddamn thing. I didn’t like it and, as I am wont to do, said so, and quite loudly.
The response in a circle or two was not kind, calling me “delusional” and claiming that I “didn’t get it.” This was so entertaining that I reviewed the second one, Hellhound: Hellraiser II, with largely similar results. People I didn’t talk to a whole lot started leaving me messages and some dude who knows the WRITER of the second one left a comment on my MySpace blog, it’s all just fuckin’ weird. I just wanted to review ONE movie, and I got sucked into a world of horrible dialogue and S & M posing.
One of those attentive readers was Dave, one of my editor at Geeks of Doom, who is also a die hard Clive Barker fan. He wanted me to tear something he calls Hellraiser IV: Pins In Space a new asshole. I told him I couldn’t do this without seeing the third one, to which he consented to post on GoD.
Being as I’m in for penny after penny at this point (and there being a remake on the horizon), I might as well be in for the whole pound. Which is why, in partnership with both Fatally-Yours and Geeks of Doom, I am both pleased and sickened to announce The Hellraiser Project. Why stop at just reviewing the four that went to theaters, when I can do the ones that went to video as well? I’ll be switching back and forth from site to site, leaving my depressed little movie droppings when it comes to this franchise.
This isn’t just a whole bunch of movie reviews”¦ Well, actually it is, but it’s more than that. You are very likely to see a film critic buckle under the weight of his own deteriorating sanity. What keeps critics going is hope. Hope that no matter how bad a movie is, the NEXT one will be good. It most likely isn’t, but it’s the small morsel wishful thinking that keeps us going.
But there is no hope here.
So if you’ve liked the manner in which I’ve filleted bad movies up to this point, you might want to be tuning in to both sites in the next few weeks. And if I come off as an irascible blowhard who doesn’t like horror movies and talks out of my ass, then you shall get some measure of revenge through my suffering.
And I end this as I will end all of these Hellraiser posts. I’ve reviewed two so far, so I’ll provide a simple box score. For those of you keeping track at home”¦
GOOD’UNS-0
SHITTY’UNS-2
Pray for me, boys and girls. It’s gonna be a long month. There are SIX MORE of these damn things”¦
Good luck doctor. Lord knows many have tried and only a few succeeded.
Comment by Tony DeFrancisco — October 28, 2007 @ 5:19 pm
I am going to pray for you Doctor because I am that kind of bastard who doesn’t understand why people get so offended when you don’t like something they worship with their.
You are taking hits for the common person. That’s fine. Just don’t let the Pinheads get the better of you.
I like Clive Barker, but I haven’t read anything by him in a long time.
Good luck.
Comment by Jerry — October 28, 2007 @ 5:39 pm
how old are you?
i think i saw these at least one of these movies when i was 11 or 12, and found it horrifying.
and lets be honest, that’s when horror movies have the most impact.
i saw the exorcist at a similarly young age, and have found it HORRIFYING ever since.
i’m sure being an adult, if i sat down and watched these movies i’d find them as intolerable as you, but these movies were never meant for sensible adults.
its like people who ripped on transformers, who never watched the cartoon as a kid…..
Comment by mo — October 28, 2007 @ 9:15 pm
Wow.
Now THAT… is dedication.
As for the above-stated thought that horror movies are only really meant for scaring the little ones… I’d say I only half agree.
Good AND Bad horror movies alike can scare the crap out of a little kid who doesn’t really grasp the nuances of good storytelling. But, it takes a truly good horror flick to creep out a grown adult. They exist… They’re probably different for everyone… but they exist.
Doc, I’ll be looking forward to seeing those reviews. And, if you truly believe there’s nothing to be gained from horror flicks, drop me a line. I’m sure I could recommend a few goldies. ^_^
~ Joey
Comment by NeverWanderer — October 29, 2007 @ 12:42 am
Keep up the good work Doc!
Comment by tstar69 — October 29, 2007 @ 7:41 am
I’ll be praying for you, Doc. HELLBOUND, in my opinion, is as best as it gets. But I’m very interested in your opinions on the other films in the series. Just have some liquor on hand. You may need some liquid courage in your system to survive this mission. Good luck!
Comment by Fred [The Wolf] — October 29, 2007 @ 4:11 pm
As someone who has seen all 8 of them, I can say if you hated the first two, there’s no chance you’ll like any of the other 6 with the slim possibility of part 5, which focuses a lot less on torture and cenobites and more on the nature of hell itself.
Comment by WordSlinger — October 29, 2007 @ 10:03 pm
I have still to see “Hellraiser” and would really like to. I’ve never seen the “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” either, but I’ve seen all the other classics. “The Excorist” is far my favorite, and “Silence of the Lambs.” More recenetly “The Ring” really delighted me. It started off like a regular dumb horror film, but did this cleverly to fool you and then hit you with the goods.
Comment by Greg — November 25, 2007 @ 4:39 pm