Raccoons and gophers and rabbit. Oh My! See”¦ this is how it always starts. Very small. First with the cute and cuddly little animals rising from the beyond and attacking the unsuspecting. Then, me and my flock of festering freaks roll up in your hood and make a meal out of your friends and family.
I know it’s silly. You know it’s silly. But for some reason you’all living folk keep thinking that when me and my rotting gang of go-getters decide it’s time to rise up and make our ‘big’ move, that locking your doors & watching reruns of Good Times until we all zombie-types starve to uh”¦death (yeah, not gonna happen) is gonna cut the mustard. Well, lemme tell you. It ain’t.
Now, I don’t have a date or nothin’ like that though. But we zombies are coming. Some of us aren’t the brightest potatoes in the shed, and well, we may not be so very well organized”¦ but don’t let that lull you into a false sense of security. Not that it’ll matter, but y’all need to be prepared. And since I have a soft spot in my skull for you geeks, I decided to allow this handy little list of tips and tricks to avoiding immediate death to be compiled.
Who knows? It might even keep you alive long enough for good old Obvious Zombie (that’s me!) to make it ’round your way and say hello… before I chow down on some of that sweet meat you hide between your ears.
The Movie God’s tips:
The Supersuit — We live in a time where technology is thriving. We’re constantly finding new ways to evolve our abilities, and this should be utilized by as many of us as possible before the inevitable zombie plague takes effect and it’s too late.
One option is to get yourself a supersuit! If you happen to be pals with a brilliant scientist engineer, you can always have them get to work on something as close as possible to the Spartan suits in Halo. But for the rest of us, maybe think along the lines of BioShock and the Big Daddy. Get yourself one of these suits or something similar, and let’s see a zombie get to that sneaky brain of yours.
I Am Spartacus — Remember in Gladiator when they brought out those crazy carts with the blades attached to the wheels to take combatants out? Forget concentrating on shooting the walking dead in the head; take advice from the gladiators and go for the legs.
With a little creativity, you could have your very own Mad Max vehicle complete with these vicious wheel blades. Then all you need to do is plow through waves of zombies, taking out hundreds of legs in just minutes. No, this won’t kill them, but it will severely improve your chances of surviving a little longer. If a zombie is slow walking, just think of how hard it will be for them to catch you while crawling.
Speed Matters — Speaking of slowing up these relentless creatures, it is CRUCIAL that you do one thing before any other thing: determine the speed of the zombies!
At first, the undead moved very sluggishly and so long as you avoided a large amount of them or enclosed spaces, they were pretty easy to escape from. But since then we’ve seen plenty of corpses who move at full speed, and these would be much more difficult to deal with.
If and when zombies take over, determining which type we’re actually dealing with will make all the difference between whether you survive or become part of the ultimate pot luck dinner.
Maaatt Damon — OK, so the zombies have finally arrived. You’ve seen the news; they’re everywhere and nothing can be done but get to the best possible location and hope you make it through the storm. So where do you go?
By my calculations, Matt Damon is out there. And judging by what we know, it’s a safe bet that he’s on a rooftop somewhere, looking at the zombies through a sniper scope, always thinking one move ahead. So my advice? Find Matt Damon. Go up to the roof he’s on, take a seat behind him, and enjoy the show!
The Distraction — Survival is the objective here, but you’re going to need some tactics to pull it off.
One trick that always seems to work when avoiding the bite of a vicious dog, is to throw a nice piece of meat at it, and use the time it takes to eat it to get to safety. Use this trick in the zombie apocalypse and it might just buy you some precious seconds.
Find the nearest medical lab or morgue, pick up as many brains as you and your companions can carry, and use them wisely. When a hungry beastie is in pursuit, huck a tasty brain at its face and hope the temptation is too much for it to ignore.
I’m on a Boat! — This bit of advice works best for those of you who just happen to be somewhere relatively close to large bodies of water (me, me!), but long drives might still be worth this helpful tip. This also will work best with a few people.
First you’ll need some heavy duty bags and to stop at a few stores on the way. Fill these bags with as many canned goods as you can carry and do your best to get your hands on some good fishing equipment and fuel. Then what you’re going to want to do is quickly but cautiously get from where you are to the nearest docks. Once there, find the biggest, nicest boat that has both an engine and sails. Take you and your friends on a nice cruise, ration the canned goods, fish when you need to, and when you run out of gas, set the sails up. If they do find a way to stop the zombies, this should keep you safely away from the danger long enough for it all to blow over. Oh yeah, and you should probably thoroughly check the boat for zombies before setting sail. That would be bad.
Get to the pub! — All hope is lost. Almost everyone you know is dead or a zombie. No more options seem to exist. What do you do?
To the pub!
As we saw in Shaun of the Dead, making a sprint for your nearest bar or pub is always an option. No, it might not have worked out so hot in that one scenario, but hey, when there’s no other options, what better place than somewhere with lots and lots of booze?
Who knows — yours may just be the place that doesn’t get overrun. Then you’ll be the happiest of them all as you belch and hiccup your way down the street after the infection has been contained.
Capitalize — Who said you have to be the victim in a zombie outbreak? It won’t be an easy task, but if you just happen to be a super genius, you might have the edge in this end of the world situation.
Our advice to you, the one brilliant mind capable enough of pulling this off (you know who you are), is to capitalize on what fate has presented to you. Construct some type of mind/body device that would allow you to take control of the zombies, either one at a time or in groups. Gain their loyalty slowly but surely, and before you know it, bang-pow, you’re the evil super genius ruler of the world, and you, my friend, have an undead army at your control.
Futurama — I, as most geeks (I assume), have many times pondered what I would do if zombies actually became a reality and we found ourselves facing this hell we’ve seen played out so many times in movies and games and comic books. And I came to the realization that I would do…. well, pretty horribly. I doubt I’d last the first day.
For I and any like me, I present this advice: cryogenics!
Screw all this walking dead people stuff, eating organs and junk. Let’s go to the future! All we need to do is locate a cryogenics lab, jump in the first open one you see, and lock in a time. There is the chance that no solution will be found for the zombies, and the future you choose to aim for hundreds or thousands of years later will be much, much worse. If this is the case, find the nearest window and take an honorable leap of submission. But who knows, maybe you’ll awaken to a bright and thriving new future with all kinds of spectacular new technologies and robot people and floating skateboards!
Jack Bauerstein83’s tips:
Find a Supermarket — If Zombies do inherit the earth, you’d better find a supermarket. It is a perfect place for you and any living survivors to crash in. Plus, there is an added advantage of being surrounded by food. With the right safeguards, you and a group of 12 could live there for weeks. Bonus points if you can find one with roof access. Anyone in the group with a gun (and I am sure you will have someone in the group with firearms) can perch themselves there and start knocking off any zombies that come your way. It would be like shooting undead fish in a barrel.
Henchman 21’s tips:
Never Trust the Guy with the Shifty Eyes, He’s Probably a Serial Killer — Everyone knows that zombies roaming the country-side are only half the problem in the zombie apocalypse. If you want to survive, you have to be just as worried about any human survivors you run into. Hopefully, you run into some nice folks who are just trying to find a place to survive, but odds are, if they’ve survived any length of time, they’re either a complete bad ass, or they’ve done some killing before the zombies came to town. (Of course, if you’ve survived any length of time, what does this say about you?) Any time more that a couple of people get together, you have to assume that one of them is a complete psycho who is just waiting to do the work that should be left to the brain munchers.
How do you avoid the dregs of humanity that have survived when so many others have not, short of having FBI level training in behavioral science? First thing to remember, the rules still apply about picking up hitchhikers in prison or mental ward areas: just don’t do it. Sure, she may seem like a nurse, and that would be helpful to take with you, but she was more likely a patient, who is now off her meds, and now all she wants to do is play with your innards. Second, if they’ve got a large collection of knives, just send them on their way. It’s normal for everyone to have some weaponry on them, but if a guy is traveling cross country, and he’s got 20 knives, rest assured that one of them is being used on you. Third, learn your tattoos. Yes, a unicorn or some cheesy tribal ink probably doesn’t mean anything, but if it looks like he’s using his body to keep track of the number of people he’s killed, that’s probably what he’s doing. There are also a lot of common prison tattoos to look out for, so learn to recognize them.
At a certain point, you may run into other people, and you’re going to have to decide if they are genuinely nice people, or if they just want to kill you for the spagetti-o’s you found two towns over. Sadly, they probably just want the O’s, and when they find out you only have the meatball ones, and they wanted them with franks, they are not going to be happy. So while you’re on the look out for zombies, make sure you spare an eye for your so-called friends, because one of them is up to know good.
Stick Together — To prolong your survival against the packs of ravenous undead you need to stay with your group. Do not go on your own to investigate a strange noise because you know what? That strange noise is probably a zombie, a zombie chomping on some fool who split from his group. Kids, stay together.
Don’t Get Sentimental — When the zombie apocalypse is upon the earth you can not afford to get all maudlin. If someone you know is clutching their neck trying to stem the flow of blood streaming down their chest, it’s time to kill them. But there is good news! If a zombie has only nibbled on a limb, hack it off before the virus spreads and they will be fine. It might be their favourite arm, but to save them and you (because when they change they will eat the first thing they see: you) hack off ol’ lefty and carry on about your day. Which will consist of killing zombies.
Brain Removal — When facing a horde of undead, the first thing you must consider is what they’re after. Once you’ve realized that all they want to do is eat your brains and gain your knowledge, the next logical conclusion would be to eliminate the thing that they most want. Removing your brain will remove their desire to get to know you better. This, in turn, will remove the threat of the zombie menace and leave you safe and sound. Now the only side effect is that you will now be dumber than the horde itself and won’t be able to replace your brain, but that’s a job for some scientist type. Oh and you will also be dead.
Food and Drink — One of the most important things that you have to take into consideration while fending off the zombie hordes, is what you’re going to eat and drink. It’s important to everyday survival, and especially important when you’re trying to live through the end of the world. Depending on how exactly the zombie virus has infected the planet, you may want to stay as far away from meat as possible, so produce and vegan alternatives are your friends. So, might I suggest trying to hunker down in a larger supermarket. At this type of location, you will have access to produce, non perishables, as well as plenty of liquids (including water, soda, energy drinks, and alcohol) to keep you going through the apocalypse. Unless you’re like me, in which case you’d just go to the local liquor store, get some chips and get totally wasted and just wait to die because, let’s face it, you’re not making it through this.
The Canadian Titan’s tips:
Transportation — Reliable transportation is a necessity in a Zombie Apocalypse, for the simple fact that you may have to travel to another location. While a tank would be an ideal vehicle to use, the chances of getting one would probably be highly unlikely (but if you have one great), also if you have a small group of people, space would be an issue. So the next choice should be a solid bus or SUV of some sort that is in good working condition and can withstand the need to knock the odd Zombie or two out of the way. You do not need it breaking down amongst a herd of Zombies. I know I wouldn’t want to be the one to push.