By Dr. Zaius
Tuesday, May 19th, 2015 at 9:10 pm
This review may contain spoilers…
Sometimes a movie comes out that is just ripe for mockery. And sometimes that movie is so bad it becomes a legendary cult classic. Enter Jupiter Ascending, a sci-fi action movie from Matrix filmmakers the Wachowskis starring Mila Kunis, Channing Tatum, and recent Oscar winner Eddie Redmayne. What can possibly go wrong? Umm… welcome to Honest Trailers: Jupiter Ascending.
Check out the video below:
When they are comparing your film to scientology and Battlefield Earth within the opening minute, you know you have something special on your hands. Seriously, Eddie Redmayne screaming “I CREATE LIFE…and I destroy it” is worth the click of the keyboard alone. As Honest Trailer narrator Jon Bailey details plot points, he showcases all the similarities to the one uber-successful Wachowskis film, The Matrix, like “CGI bullshit, lazy philosophy, and a story about the human race being harvested by more advanced civilization… yeah that again.”
Bailey moves on to destroying the cast. “If you’ve been waiting for a female sci-fi lead character on par with Ripley and Sarah Conner, prepare… to keep waiting”. HA! I actually LOL’d at that one in the office at work. Bailey makes the case that the Academy should “retroactively take back the award” from Eddie Redmayne. It’s funny because the Academy has been known to hold shitty movies debuting around the Award show against nominees… just ask Eddie Murphy (Yeah, I’m referencing Norbert). And of course, the world’s sexiest man, Channing “Magic Mike” Tatum with wolf ears, eye liner, and space roller skates!
The best part of this Honest Trailer is Bailey flat out describing the plot, point by point, to demonstrate how utterly ridiculous it is. I’m not going to spoil it, because honestly, it so crazy stupid, that I actually kinda wanna see the movie now. As he’s going on, disclaimers reading “THIS IS THE ACTUAL PLOT TO THE MOVIE, SERIOUSLY WE’RE NOT MAKING THIS UP,” and “SOMEONE PAID $175 MILLION FOR THIS” flash on the screen. After nearly 2 minutes of reciting this dreck, we hit the STARRING segment, which really only serves to get in the funny alternate title, “Wachowskis Descending.” And in an all-time WTF were they thinking? Sean Bean actually survives this movie, forcing Bailey to point out, “They can’t even kill Sean Bean right!”
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