Fool’s Gold
Directed by Andrew Tennant
Starring Kate Hudson, Matthew McConaughey
Rated PG-13
Release date: Feb. 8, 2008

A couple of weeks ago, a friend and I were arguing about the widespread appeal of NASCAR. He tried to convince me that it was a legitimate sport and I gave him the stock hillbilly-infused commentary and a battery of equally stereotyped responses to his argument. This went on for a good 20 minutes. Just when he thought he had me standing there wobbly enough, he attempted to finish me off with a Fatality.

HIM: “Hey, it’s the fastest growing sport in America.”

ME: “Just because something is popular doesn’t mean it’s any good.”

Not believing my statement to be true, he asked me for an example. I told him to check the box office totals for any given week during the first half of the year and in an alarming amount of examples, the top movies are garbage.

HIM: “It always goes back to movies with you, doesn’t it kid?”

Waiting for the totals this week just to prove my point was worthless — I already knew the answer. Let’s just say this coming week we get to look forward to all new trailers for Fool’s Gold with an updated tagline — “#1 Movie in America.” And I can’t say I am the least bit surprised.

So what about THIS movie, you ask? Not that it matters but Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson play Ben and Tess Finnegan, treasure hunters in search of the legendary 18th Century Queen’s Dowry — 40 chests of exotic treasure that was lost at sea in the 1700s. All this while trying to salvage their marriage tested by Ben’s inability to commit to a life outside of beach bumming and treasure hunting. It is grotesquely boring and unoriginal, even by the standards of this year’s romantic comedies. So in other words, no, it really doesn’t matter. Even my own girlfriend who loves cheesy crap like this spent the better part of the movie trying to convince me that we should leave and that I could write a review having only seen the first part of the movie. We stayed, but she would have been right.

Another friend of mine and his wife had planned all week on seeing Fool’s Gold for their date night this weekend. After receiving a text message from me warning them of the travesty that lies ahead, I strongly urged them to pick something else. Knowing that this would be the perfect opportunity for him to seize the moment, I pushed for Rambo.

This morning, I was awoken by the following message from my friend’s wife:

“Your public massacre of Fool’s Gold is the reason I had to watch the bloody and cruel obliteration of women and small children for an hour and a half. I hold you responsible for tainting my mental health and what once was a friendly and romantic tradition of “date night.” My sanity and marriage has been jeopardized. Hope you’re pleased.”

I knew she would hate it but her husband will thank me later, so that part is funny to me. While she vowed to make all future selections for date night movies as a result of their evening, I’d like to think she is less upset at me for not recommending Fool’s Gold, but more upset at the irony behind a romantic comedy being responsible for causing this much strain on a marriage. And so close to Valentine’s Day. My response to her was obvious:

“Chick flicks inflict their own brand of punishment and should not be used so spitefully. Tell your husband he’s welcome.”

My search for the first watchable romantic comedy of the year continues”¦

And there’s the rub.

ZERO out of ****