Before anyone asks, “Haz-Mat” is short for “Hazardous Materials.” This means anything from radioactive waste to enriched uranium cores used to make atomic bombs. One must wear a Haz-Mat suit to work with such deadly substances, much like my colleague in theoretical physics Dr. Gordon Freeman did in Half-Life and Half-Life 2.
And it is in honor of Dr. Freeman, The One Free Man, He Who Killed Head-Crabs For Your Sins, that I devote the fourth Wednesday of every month in my Doom Dispatch column towards “Haz-Mat Theater.”
Haz-Mat Theater is basically the Bizarro-World version of Masterpiece Theatre, in that I will review, for your reading pleasure, the worst of the worst in terms of motion picture entertainment.
But I will not pick the films to review”¦ No, that will be your job.
Yes, shoot me an email at and I will review the shit out of what YOU think are some of the worst movies ever made. And I promise each and every one of you that I shall regard these films with the same tact, decorum, and level-headed grace that I display towards Dane Cook and Eli Roth.
If, however, you are curious as to what I think is the absolute worst film ever made, well, I already wrote that review for another site. It’s tedious, it’s annoying, by God it’s Home Made!
I have three rules for your recommendation to even be considered”¦
1. IT MUST BE NETFLIX ACCESSIBLE
I’m not risking going to Blockbuster for this column. Have you seen the people who go there? There are never any women and when there are, they’re followed by a fleet of chubby, retarded offspring. Everyone’s fat, they all wear black, the stench of lowered expectations waft through the air. It’s like a match.com mixer.
2. NO PORN
While I would probably watch Ranch Dressing Holes 54 if you asked me to, I’d want to go back and watch the other fifty-three, just to see how those characters got there. And then I’d never get anything done.
3. NO BOLL
I could make fun of his movies in my sleep, and I am not encouraging that douchebag. Because I signed the petition to get rid of that diseased rectal polyp, I know I shall enter heaven.
Once I get your entries, I shall choose the only democratic way I know. Eenie-Meenie-Mynie-Moe, that’s how.
Yes, I shall act as your own personal reverse-cinematic Statue of Liberty. Give me your cheap, your atrocious, your boring, your bland, your motion picture travesties and I WILL BEAT THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF THEM!
And why?
Because you’re reading this. That makes you less sucky than the others.
Before anyone asks, “Haz-Mat” is short for “Hazardous Materials.” This means anything from radioactive waste to enriched uranium cores used to make atomic bombs. One must wear a Haz-Mat suit to work with such deadly substances, much like my colleague in theoretical physics Dr. Gordon Freeman did in Half-Life and Half-Life 2.
At least you don’t to talk to Uwe Boll.
I’m glad I’m less sucky than the others, but I know that ain’t true.
Let the rampages begin
Comment by Jerry — April 17, 2008 @ 9:45 am
A pity that my worst film, a Renny Harlin monstrosity called “Born American,” isn’t available from Netflix. This cold war “story” has three American tourists getting drunk and deciding to sneak into the then Soviet Union across the Finland border. They somehow end up destroying a small town and are shocked and appalled that they are treated as terrorists by the Soviet army (who thinks they are being invaded). Born American? This movie made me EMBARRASSED to be American… well, embarrassed for the American movie industry anyways.
Comment by Dave2 — April 17, 2008 @ 9:59 am
It’s been a while so I couldn’t say for sure, but I believe A Guy Thing (Jason Lee, Selma Blair, Julia Stiles) is the worst movie I’ve ever sat through. It’s not funny, it’s not charming, and it’s not even bad enough to be enjoyably crappy. Large swaths of it are cringe-inducing, and not in a good way like The Office and Freaks & Geeks. More like in the way that Jason Lee’s Alvin & the Chipmunks trailer was unwatchably cringe-inducing.
Good luck.
Comment by Angie — April 17, 2008 @ 3:25 pm
Here are the five WORST movies I can think of right off the top of my head….
(1.Xanadu (1980) Legend has it they started filming this mess without a script — Just the “concept” of big band music meeting 80’s rock and roll. If you’ve seen it, it’s hard to believe they EVER sat down and scripted this. I think they just filmed whatever the actors and directors wanted to do that day.
(2.The In-Crowd (2000) A co-worker thought I might enjoy this because it’s “disturbing” (there’s a ringing endorsement right there) The most disturbing thing was the people hired to act in this movie can’t act. I’ve seen better high school plays.
(3 Gigli (2003) This is the film that officially ended the acting careers of Ben Affleck and J-Lo.
(4. Cop and 1/2 (1993) Full of jokes too unsophisticated for most 4-year-olds.
(5. McHale’s Navy (1997) Tom Arnold as the Ernest Borgnine character? How aboiut a remake of “F-Troop” with Pauly Shore?
Those are just quick, general impressions. I KNOW you can write funny stuff about ANY of those clunkers.
I look forward to seeing your new feature!
Comment by T.E. Pouncey — April 18, 2008 @ 11:28 am