Well metalheads, that time of the year has come around again. And whether you’re rockin’ under the mistletoe while headbanging to Twisted Sister’s Heavy Metal Christmas, or whether you’re holed up in a basement listening to Venom’s Black X-Mas, there’s probably a metalhead on your Christmas list who is expecting something other than coal in their stocking.
Well, never fear oh ye holiday headbangers. Geeks of Doom is kind of enough to supply you with the quintessential list of seasonal must-haves for the metal mavens.
* Compiled in conjunction with Ides Bergen.
Black Metal Garden Gnome
Whether the metalhead in your life prefers a neat, manicured garden, or whether they take a liking to the overgrown with weeds look, nothing says, “Get the hell off of my lawn!” quite like the Black Metal Garden Gnome. These little fellas are made to order so each is unique, adorned with corpse paint and black metal garb.
Pig Destroyer Permanent Funeral Beer
What metalhead doesn’t enjoy a good brewsky? But why just give them a boring old six pack of Bud? Why not give them an opportunity to defend the faith while getting their buzz on by drinking a six pack of this quality Permanent Funeral beer brought to you by your friends in the band Pig Destroyer? Not a fan of Pig Destroyer, you say? Well it might help to know that this particular beer got a perfect rating from the good folks at beeradvocate.com. (Also, see other fine beers brought to you by Motorhead, Iron Maiden, AC/DC, High on Fire, and, of course, KISS.)
Marshall Mini Fridge
And how about keeping those brews cold in style with this Marshall mini fridge? Friends will be amazed when seeing just how much this rockin’ appliance looks like an actual amp, complete with knobs that go to 11!! Imagine what happens when they try to plug in! (It’s okay, I’m sure they’ll just laugh it off after a couple of Pig Destroyer Permanent Funerals.)
Savage Gold Coffee
After all the partying, you wake up with an aching head, and I bet coffee is sounding pretty good right about now. But can coffee really help treat your hangover? Who cares when it’s this cool?! The coffee is manufactured by Mike Hill, frontman of Brooklyn’s own experimental black metal band Tombs. I hear the coffee is just as dark and contemplative as he is. Take that, Starbucks!!
We all have one…that metalhead friend that just cannot get a date!! He looks for love in all the wrong places… like D&D tournaments…and Rush concerts. Well, in the true spirit of Christmas, you can hook a brother up by buying him a subscription to MetalHeadDating.com. Where else can you meet lovely ladies like MetalMama69 and TattooedLoveGoddess13? Love is in the air this holiday season!!
And what better way to impress your metal mama than to pull up to her pad driving the Slayer Scion car? These babies are so hot, you just might want to buy one for yourself. I can’t even begin to tell you about how awesome these cars are, so you better just watch the video. Spoiler alert: the entire back seat of the car is a giant speaker! Kids? What kids?
See your local Scion dealer for details.
Murder In The Front Row
Does this title describe the best of your teenage years? I know it does mine! And what better book to adorn your coffee table than this one? Expect photos from many Bay Area hardcore headbangers, as well as many other bands that played the Bay area, looking incredibly young in this 1980s-era photo anthology.
At The Gates — At War With Reality
But the true metalhead really can’t go wrong with giving the gift of the music, especially when it comes highly recommended by the Dark Lord of All Things Metal, Ides Bergen. At The Gates’ long-awaited release, At War With Reality, is one of these albums. Imagine the fun your family will have when you blast this at the table for Christmas dinner. Just tell grandma the Eater of Gods is actually called Eater of Goose. She’ll probably never know the difference.
Triptykon — Melana Chasmata
Another Ides recommendation is Triptykon’s Melana Chasmata. Those of you with doubts can read Ides’ GoD review in which he writes “The albumâ€™s first track, â€œTree of Suffocating Souls,â€ opens with a howl of guitar feedback over a blast-beat and then proceeds to veer between frenetic thrash and down-tuned spoken word doom sections that sound as though Satan himself were proselytizing from your speakers.” Talk about keeping the Christ in Christmas, right?!
Fallujah — The Flesh Prevails
And completing the trident of metal music must-haves, why not check out the sophomore effort from Bay area blasphemers Fallujah? Critically acclaimed as “An opera for metal heads…of Wagnerian proportions,” tracks from The Flesh Prevails could easily top your Christmas caroling set list this year!
Recommendations by Empress Eve of Doom and Metal:
Arch Enemy — War Eternal
Iced Earth — Plagues of Babylon
Goatwhore — Constricting Rage of the Merciless
Judas Priest — Redeemer Of Souls
Overkill — White Devil Armory
Ace Frehley — Space Invader
Exodus — Blood In, Blood Out
Cavalera Conspiracy — Pandemonium
Thanatos — Global Purification