Hey all you leather-jacket wearing, denim-jean ripping, pit-circle moshing, long-hair whipping, tattoo-covered mother effers”¦..it’s Christmas time! And you know what that means, it’s time to show those mangy metalheads in your life some appreciation by buying them gifts and stuff.

Now I know you probably don’t know nothing about no gift giving, which is why I’m here. That’s right, your good old metal mama is going to recommend some great gifts that you can give your metalhead friends without even having to get up from the computer. Okay, ready? Here goes…

… the 2018 Metalhead’s Holiday Gift Guide…

Mosh Pit Boo-Boo Balm: Ah, the mosh pit. It’s all fun and games until somebody loses an eye. But you don’t have to worry about that if you carry Mosh Pit Boo Boo Balm to every metal show you go to! This stuff has a lot of different oils in it, so it sounds pretty hippy dippy to me, but I guess whoever made it thinks it’s good for what ails you”¦ except you can’t use it on gaping wounds. Yep, I think that’s call-an-ambulance territory.

Anyway, can’t really vouch for its effectiveness, but it’s funny as hell and at $7.20, it might just be worth the laugh.

Also available with hot and cold packs for $13.50

Motorhead Black Denim Cut-Off Patch Waistcoat Battle Jacket Vest: Lemmy’s gone but his spirit lives on! This jacket ranges in price depending on how many patches you want. Think 8 patches and a back patch is um”¦Overkill?? No freakin’ way! And by the way, I am willing to give my firstborn to whoever buys this for me for Christmas!

Type O Negative Peter Steele Coffee Mug: How do you take your coffee? How about Black Number 1?!!! Keep the spirit of this Brooklyn boy alive every morning by drinking a hot cuppa Steele. Mug comes in 11 and 15 oz sizes and I have a feeling Empress Eve would find this to be her, uh, cup of tea??? [Yes, yes I would – EE.]

Vintage Motley Crue Pin: So what if the kids think Motley Crue is classic rock! Motley Crue were metal before those kids were even born! That’s why we’re gonna add this one to the metalhead gift list loud and proud. At $7 and in exact vintage condition, I’d call that a bargain!

Iron Maiden Piece of Mind Pewter Pendant: If you are a regular on the L.A. metal scene, you are likely to have run into Metal Babe of Metal Babe Mayhem. This chick really defends the faith with her promotions company and fabulous line of awesome, reasonably priced metal merch. Her web site is a great place to shop for all your metal X-mas needs. It was hard for us to pick just one of her items, but for this list, we’re going with the Iron Maiden Piece of Mind pewter pendant. Good luck finding your fave!

Cattle Decapitation Christmas Stocking: Why not really scare Santa this year by hanging a Cattle Decapitation Christmas Stocking over your fireplace? He’ll probably get so frightened, he’ll leave all his toys at your house and forget to eat his cookies, which just means more for you! Also available for the bands Decrepit, Death, and more.

Dio Snow Globe: If you look on Etsy, you’ll find Dark Storm Design has several heavy metal snow globes available featuring a variety of bands, but I have to give it up for the Dio one. There’s something about Ronnie Dio’s face staring at you from the Great Beyond that just screams Christmas. The brand also makes snow globes for Dream Theater, Megadeth, High on Fire, and more. But whatever your favorite may be, pick up a couple for your metalhead friends this holiday season and”¦ shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake your snow globe.

Nativity II Black Metal Corpse Paint Figurine: I don’t know about you, but I’ve often wondered what it would be like if Jesus, Mary, and Joseph were metalheads. Luckily, my question has been answered by Etsy’s Blackenedshop, who offers what is surely an exact Biblical rendering of how the nativity scene would have went down if the holy family listened to Mayhem. Get this for your metalhead friends to make your Christmas season especially blasphemous!

Abbatttth the Black Metal Ceramic Sheep: This ceramic sheep wears the same black metal makeup as his mentor, role model, and lord and savior, Norwegian Black Metal king Abath. Also featured on Etsy by the same designer (DarkHoliday Shop) is a Corpse Paint Dinosaur and Carach Angren Black Metal Ceramic unicorn, but I say the sheep wins, you know, just because of his name. Abaaaahhhhth, get it Abaaaahhhhth?

Metal Refrigerator Magnets: Even the most hardcore of metalheads could use a refrigerator magnet! After all, how else are you going to post up notices to remind you that the Behemoth show is tonight, not to forget to brush your teeth, and to let your roommates know they can’t drink your beer? Why not do it in style with these awesome refrigerator magnets from She’s a Peach Bowtique! And why Bowtique you might ask? Because she also makes great looking hair bows with centerpieces that feature your favorite metal bands and look super cute with black lipstick and a leather MC.

@shesapeachbowtique on Instagram or email shesapeachbowtique AT gmail.com

Behemoth’s I Loved You At Your Darkest: Despite being criticized for its emo-sounding title, frontman Nergel claims this release can “kill 100 emo kids.” Now we’re not going to make any controversial statements regarding emo kids”¦.we’re sure they’re very nice”¦.but with a claim like that, can you really afford not to add I Loved You At Your Darkest to your CD collection? Following the Satanist, this album takes risks, is deeply introspective, and shows that after nearly 30 years, this band isn’t resting on its laurels.

High on Fire’s Electric Messiah: Can Motorhead meets Black Sabbath possibly sound bad to anyone? I don’t think so. On Electric Messiah, the highly Motorhead-influenced band brings subtle changes that might make this album one of their doomiest yet while adding certain elements that prove they can still go all Slayer on you! Another X-mas must-have for sure!

And if you’re not big on getting your shopping early, hold out until December 14 to check out Venom’s Storm the Gates.

Here’s some picks from GoD’s Empress Eve of Doom and Metal.

Skulls Print Book Beau Book Sleeve: We like to rock, but we like to read, too! And keeping our books protected is important. But have you ever tried to find a padded book sleeve? Go look it up… they’re all for bibles (the Christian ones, that is). For our purposes, we need a little something different. That’s where the Book Beau comes in. Available in 4 sizes (Mini/Indie/XL/Jumbo), this product provides a padded holder for everything from mass market paperbacks to standard hardcover books, as well as digital devices like the Kindle and iPad. Though there are several designs to choose from, the Skulls one is definitely the way to go for the metalhead in your life. (I purchased the Indie size to check it out, and it was a lot more padded than I expected; also, it fit trade paperback sized books as well as my iPad mini with the Apple-designed case on it.)

We Sold Our Souls by Grady Hendrix (Quirk Books): In this heavy metal horror story from Grady Hendrix (My Best Friend’s Exorcist, Paperbacks From Hell), the former guitarist of a metal band learns the awful truth about the sinister deals her lead singer made to achieve his own fame two decades ago. Tired and broke with nothing to lose, she embarks on a dangerous cross-country road trip for a final showdown with her former bandmate and the forces of evil. We Sold Our Souls is heavily peppered with all kinds of hard rock, punk, and heavy metal lyrics and references. Metalheads and horror fans alike will dig this one. Available in Hardcover and for the Kindle. The design on the hardcover edition is really cool, with black page edges, red endpapers, and silver backwards writing on the actual cover that reveals a hidden message when held up to a mirror. See my Instagram pics of the book (featuring my cats as models). Pairs well with a Skull bookmark and bundled together in the aforementioned Skulls Print Book Beau Book Sleeve.

Vibes Earplugs: We’ve been fans of this product for a few years now, so we love to give it a spotlight. Yes, as metalheads, we crank the metal, but you also gotta protect your ears, so you’ll have a lifetime of heavy listening. That’s where these noise-reducing earphones come in. Instead of blocking and muffling sound like standard earplugs, Vibes reduce the volume of loud sound to a safer and more comfortable level, while still letting you hear everything clearly. Plus, they’re comfy — you wear them just like you would earbud headphones — come with 3 sizes of interchangeable eartips, and include a pocket-sized carrying case. Wear them to concerts, sporting events, and anywhere things can get a bit too noisy (again, it really is important to protect your ears). Check out the Vibes site for info on how to order outside the U.S. FYI – For every pair purchased, the company makes a donation to Hear the World Foundation, which provides hearing healthcare and hearing aids to children in need around the world. (The company is reportedly currently funding a project that is providing 30,000 kids in Lima, Peru with hearing health screenings, medical care, surgeries, and hearing aids.) I don’t know about you, but that’s the kind of thing that gets my attention.

Empress Eve’s Quick Picks

Anthrax – Kings Among Scotland DVD

Overkill – Live In Overhausen Blu-ray

Nita Strauss – Controlled Chaos

Here’s the top metal album picks from GoD’s metal godfather Ides Bergen.

Rivers of Nihil- Where Owls Know My Name

Judas Priest – Firepower

Deicide – Overtures of Blasphemy

At The Gates – To Drink From The Night Itself

The Atlas Moth – Coma Noir

Immortal- Northern Chaos Gods

Soulfly – Ritual

Skeletonwitch- Devouring Radiant Light

Tribulation – Down below

Okay, well hopefully that gives you enough of an idea, cause this metal mama’s gotta do some Christmas shopping of her own. I’ll see you losers later.