Driven to Kill
Directed by Jeff King
Starring Steven Seagal
Twentieth Century Fox Home Entertainment
Release Date: May 19, 2009

If people in Hollywood were wise (and with rumors of a Guitar Hero movie on the horizon, there is no reason to believe they are), Steven Seagal‘s long, precipitous fall from grace would be utilized as a horror story for young actors: a hefty, pony-tailed boogeyman toiling under the beds of these hair-gelled sissies they call movie stars nowadays.

“See that, young Shia? That’s what happens when you act like a dick and defy men such as I!”

“Jesus! I’ll do whatever you say, Mister Katzenberg! I’ll do whatever you say! JUST DON’T PUT ME IN A MOVIE WITH DMX AND TOM ARNOLD! I’M TOO PRETTY TO DIE!”

Fifteen years after his prime, Seagal is still breaking wrists, throwing people out of windows, and running like a goddamned girl without any hint of irony or self-effacement. Only now it’s in Straight-To-DVD Land, where the least amount of collateral damage occurs.

In truth, I looked at the apparently thriving Seagal DVD market like I looked at the fur trade: I know it’s going on, and I know I vaguely don’t approve, but it doesn’t really have any bearing on my life. So let bygones be bygones for whomever is into that kinda thing.

Sunset Boulevard and Sabrina
2-Disc Collector’s sets
The Paramount Centennial Collection
Directed by Billy Wilder
Starring Gloria Swanson, William Holden, Erich von Stroheim, Nancy Olsen, Humphrey Bogart, Audrey Hepburn
Paramount Home Entertainment
Release date: November 11, 2008

In my mind, there is a Holy Trinity of filmmakers. Three directors who, among all their work, you could find any and every reason for watching a film. There’s Akira Kurosawa, there’s Stanley Kubrick”¦

And then there’s Billy Wilder.

Wilder lived the longest, died the latest, won the most Oscars, displayed the most versatility and yet somehow, for some strange reason, is the most underseen and underloved among this recent group of self-styled movie geeks. Yeah, everyone’s seen The Shining and A Clockwork Orange, and yes there are some who try to boost their cred by watching Seven Samurai, but it’s depressing to see how few have seen at least one Wilder film”¦. Or even name one.

With the possible exception of Howard Hawks (who made films as dissimilar as The Big Sleep, Rio Bravo, His Girl Friday and the original The Thing), no mainstream Hollywood director has ever shown Wilder’s utter refusal to be pigeon-holed into one kind of movie. Wilder made films as disparate as The Apartment and Double Indemnity. As Stalag 17 and The Seven Year Itch. As the long lost Ace In The Hole and the woefully underrated The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes.

Adapting video games into films should not be this hard. Books and plays are turned into good movies on a nearly monthly basis. Christ, even direction is a form of adaptation. The director has both the right and the necessity to cherry-pick and omit from a written screenplay. There is no such thing as “an original film.”

And yet, like trying to pole-vault without an actual pole, the evolutionary link between video game and film has yet to be cleared.

Now to be fair, I liked Silent Hill. It was an atmosphere engine which would have been a whole lot better if an actual script was used.

And as I may have unwisely mentioned in my review of Max Payne at filmarcade.net a week ago, I liked the Doom movie. Don’t blame me… The game came out when I was eight… We were on an anti-poverty board in Chicago together… The parties were hosted by the Annenbergs… SHUT UP!

But other than those, we have been treated to miserable failure after miserable failure. Super Mario Bros., both Tomb Raider films, anything with Uwe Boll’s name on it, Mortal Kombat, Street Fighter. They all suck. Granted, Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within came close to succeeding, but it failed to adhere to the spirit of the games. Namely, there were no she-dudes, giant chickens, or EEEEEEEENDLLEEEEEEEESSSSSSSS levelling-up.

30 Rock
Season 2
Starring Tina Fey, Alec Baldwin, Tracy Morgan, Jane Krakowski, Jack McBrayer
Universal Home Entertainment
Release date: October 7, 2008

This is what the kids these days call “The Hard Sell.” I can open up with floweriness about some other crap like I usually do, but I’m just going to be blunt and to the point:

30 Rock is the best show on television. Hands down. Bar none. You buy now.

So funny is 30 Rock that this review was delayed significantly because I had to watch each episode three times. Once to watch. Twice to pick up on all the jokes I missed from laughing the first time. And a third to listen to the audio commentaries (Sorry, Eve). In all my experience, I have NEVER listened to an audio commentary for a movie or a show all the way through. I’m not the biggest fan of “the official view” or telling schmoozy stories, but everyone involved with this show is so inherently funny that there are gems in the commentaries that are worth watching.

The Emmy-winning, ratings-challenged show stars Tina Fey as Liz Lemon, the creator and head-writer of a sketch comedy show on NBC. It chronicles her life as she deals with the antics and adventures of her boss Jack Donaghy (Emmy winner Alec Baldwin) and the temperaments of her two lead stars, Tracy Jordan (Tracy Morgan) and Jenna Maroney (Jane Krakowski), as well as keeping her own personal life in check.

Dexter
Season 2
Starring Michael C. Hall, Julie Benz, Jennifer Carpenter
Paramount Home Entertainment
Release Date: August 19, 2008

Dexter is a show that works beyond all the expected ways it could be anticipated to work. The first season involved Dexter Morgan (Michael C. Hall, a serial killer who works forensics on the Miami Police Department. His targets are criminals and people who use the normal parameters of the law to their own ends instead of justice. In an unfair world, Dexter acts as an equalizer.

But, more than that, it’s about a man, admittedly dead to the world, fumbling and futzing his way towards humanity and a soul. For someone like Dexter, who freely admits that he has no emotions, he sure does develop a lot of attachments. To his girlfriend Rita (Julie Benz) and her two kids; To his sister Deb (Jennifer Carpenter), who’s also a cop and has no luck with romance. Through his interactions with others he finds out, much to both his joy and dismay, that he was human all along. Kind of like The Wizard of Oz in Dante’s ring of murderers.

And this was all in the first season. Here we are with the second season, now on DVD, and I think it’s better than the first. Instead of trying to capture lightning in a bottle yet again, it’s a continuation of the central themes and a continuing evolution of Dexter as a character.

Yeah, so he has a soul. NOW what?