Rambo
Written & Directed by Sylvester Stallone
Starring Sylvester Stallone, Julie Benz, Graham McTavish
Rated R
Release date: Jan. 25, 2008

Here’s a fun fact of Sly that some of you may have not known — before he became known for his roles in Rocky and Rambo, he was a porno star in a little film called The Party at Kitty and Stud’s or better known today as Italian Stallion.

Now I ain’t ever seen Kitty and Stud before, but from what I heard, after his success in Rocky, they edited Kitty and Stud down a lot”¦ a LOT”¦ and slapped it with the title Italian Stallion. This means that”¦

A) If Sylvester Stallone didn’t have anything to do with Rocky and Rambo, we would never have seen an edited version of the film.

Or”¦

B) If we didn’t like the two movies so damn much, we still would have a version of Kitty and Stud that wasn’t edited.

Stare at the chart provided to you here. It has all of the “facts” about the Rambo movies. People he killed with his shirt on, people he killed with his shirt off, yada yada yada. And at the very bottom, look where it says number of sex scenes. You can read 0-0-0-0.

Now you’re probably asking me right now what I’m getting at right now, so let me explain. After he released his sixth and final Rocky film, something became clear to us — there was no Talia Shire. So we were left wondering just why that there wasn’t a woman in the film aside from a character from the original that we only saw her for a freakin’ second. Coming out of Rocky Balboa, I said to my little brother that there will be Rambo IV to add onto the “oh-no woman factor.” Surely enough, there was.

I’m not saying that we necessarily need a woman to stand next to Sly so he can bend her over a couple of times, but I’m saying that we could have at least had someone to stand by his side in the newest installment of Rambo. There is only one woman in the film playing a major character, and the audience knows that John won’t be slipping her any tongue.

So why has Rambo been so violent for the past three films (not including First Blood)? Why does this guy simply just not care anymore? An even better question”¦ why is this guy hiding back a monster?

He hasn’t had sex since 1982.

Sorry to break it to you hardcore Rambo fans out there, but it’s kind of clear. Stallone got pissed off that they censored his film, whether his pissed-offiness is cleared and confirmed or not, so as a result there is no Talia Shire in Rocky Balboa and no love interest for Rambo (and yes, that includes his father as a different type of love interest). And I know what you’re saying right now, how nutty I am for saying that, but I dare you to watch the films again. The only other woman character from the Rambo movies that I can think of is Julia Nickson-Soul from First Blood 2, and she dies halfway through the movie.

Okay, now let’s stop talking about that, and let’s start talking about the movie.

It’s true. Rambo is really violent and bloody, but it’s not a great movie. It’s fun, but the dialogue is really forced and the acting sucked. It’s too bad, but I actually kind of predicted it. First Blood was the only actually good one. The other two were pretty much a bunch of toddlers in a sandbox playing “Stay Away From My Castle.” I’m sad to say that so does this one.

John Rambo (Sylvester Stallone) is asked by Christian missionaries (including Julie Benz) to help them travel up the river to Burma, an area that received the nickname “Warzone.” After he drops them off, Burma becomes invaded by Burmese military. Most people are killed, but as an action movie cliché, the Christians are taken hostage. Since shit goes bad, Rambo and a group of mercenaries go back to Burma to kick some ass and take back the Christian butt-fucks. No offense to Christians; I just called them butt-fucks because”¦ well”¦ who goes into a place nicknamed “Warzone” and doesn’t bring in at least one pistol? Christ, do I really need to start writing movies”¦

Okay, so yeah, it’s violent and yada-yada-yada. Who gives a shit? Some of the violence is really badass, and the rest of the violence is idiotic. And me? I just really enjoyed the one guy throwing the baby into the fire. Sure, it’s kind of fucked up, but compared to all of the other action movies released today, like Live Free or Die Hard and Cloverfield, I’m kind of glad that someone actually realizes that there are such things as kids going through situations like this too.

Rambo has always been a war icon to many, but to me, he’s always been just an action star. I can’t really see some guy in the military firing bows and arrows into a guy without getting a gun fired back at him, but it’s a movie, which means I will never let Sylvester Stallone go near my script. There’s a big difference between reality and fiction, and I think that Rambo is right in the middle. It could have been a great action flick, and it got everything right, until the violence came along. I never thought of a Rambo movie becoming a Shoot “˜Em Up type of flick. Still, Dolph Lundgren’s The Punisher will always be the perfect violent action flick.

And I know what you’re probably saying. You’re saying, “Man that Tony DeFrancisco is one tasteless muthafucka. He gave Strange Wilderness four asterisks and gave Rambo two and a half? Let’s go kidnap him, chop off his weiner, and feed it to the blind lady next door.” Well… even though they are two very different movies, one entertained me more than the other and one didn’t have annoying accents. Oh, and did I mention that one was supposed to be silly and one wasn’t?

Rambo did have a few fun scenes in it. The ending, though it was over-the-top and really cheesy, could make any action movie fan cream their pants. The beginning was a great opening also. Too bad that the rest of the movie couldn’t keep up.

**½ out of ****