Here at Geeks of Doom (est. 2007) and Hardcore Film Maniac Reviews (est. 2006), the Maniac here helps everyone provide the right choices when it is up to them when they want to see a good movie. The Hardcore Film Maniac knows that he is watching out for you, and his sole purpose is to save your time and money and — Oh fuck it; I’m done speaking in third person. I’m sounding like a prick. Lemme get onto my review. Ever have a major case of diarrhea, and once you are all finished, you wiped your ass with a long and very strong piece of Marcal toilet paper? Then you find out that you have shit on your hand after you are done wiping, and that is after you are done rubbing your eyes, sticking your finger in your ears, and scratching your genitals, and then you ask yourself, why the hell did you use toilet paper for? Director Ben Garant‘s Balls of Fury is just like that case of diarrhea. It is honestly the WORST piece of shit that came out in theaters, DVD, Robin Williams’ ass, and Leona Helmsley’s will this entire year, and that means A LOT.

And I don’t think any of you guys who have read my reviews at Geeks Of Doom have seen my real nasty side. Now you shall be seeing it today.

[Editor’s Note: Yup, it’s pretty nasty.]

First off, let me tell you how much I hated Balls of Fury. I just got out of Death Sentence for Fatally-Yours and saw one of the best movies that came out this year. I had very low expectations for it, after seeing Dead Silence and it sucked, so I pretty much thought that it would too. But surprisingly, I came out with a smile on my face and flashing back to the time where I first watched Man on Fire. See, as much as I hate (or shall I say, hated) James Wan and Dead Silence, but loved Saw, I had a great love for Ben Garant and Thomas Lennon and Reno 911, but hated Night at the Museum. So really, it could go both ways, so I took the easier approach — go into it with low expectations. And I came out the same way I came in –- getting ready for a failure. Just the only difference this time is that I came out ready to tear it a new ass on the way home. And if you know that your movie is worse (way worse, as I gave Death Sentence four out of four) than a James Wan movie, you know that you are in serious trouble. I’m sorry it had to end this way Garant and Lennon, but I don’t have any respect for you guys anymore. Uhh sorry, but your fault. Fuck you.

Balls of Fury begins with a 12-year-old kid named Randy Daytona, who is the best ping-pong player ever. He’s so good that he makes everyone bad, except for Karl Wolfschtagg, who is so good, that he makes Randy look like The Used and My Chemical Romance’s version of “Under Pressure” look like The Beatles’ “Hey Jude.” In the Olympics, he loses to Karl Wolfschtagg, which causes his father to be killed after betting his life to Master Feng. Randy retires from competing in ping-pong tournaments, but not retiring from ping-pong, as he is now working for some dinner show where he entertains the people eating by doing his ping-pong ball tricks nineteen years later (and none of those tricks include the famous “Pitching Machine” –and for those of you who don’t know what a “Pitching Machine” is, find out for yourself. May I recommend Beer League?) He just so happens to give some guy in the audience a heart attack by doing one of his stunts. If you see this movie, do you know what you just happen to be getting yourself into? You’re lucky to have a guy like me, who is willing to see shitty films so you don’t have to©.

And guess what? Some guy in the audience by the name of George Lopez actually was entertained by this fucko. So entertained and so astonished that he asks Randy to start doing competitions again, in order to be recognized by Master Feng, the same Master Feng that killed his father, so he could be invited to Master Feng’s tournament of ping-pong that only challenges the ping-pong masters. And Randy, being the fat stupid slob that he is, says yes to this guy. In order to “prepare” himself after losing to a retard in a game of ping-pong, Daytona goes to the very blind and the very best part of the movie (if there was one, of course), Master Wong. Master Wong just happens to give private lessons to anyone that is Asian, of course, so this becomes a challenge for Daytona to actually getting him to treat him to lessons, but, in the end, he does. And he just happens to be the one guy that actually trained Master Feng, until he gave up his training course halfway through it. So yeah, we know the whole idea. If you have seen many inspiration sports films, we know that Daytona is trained by Master Wong, and passes, and gets recognized after he beats the “Monster” (which is really a 5-year-old Asian girl who watches Dora the Explorer) by Master Feng to come to his tournament. It just so happens that Master Feng’s tournament is like a ping-pong battle royale, single elimination and once you lose a ping-pong game, you are dead. So, when Randy finds out about what happens when you lose, he tries to leave, but is stopped by bars. There, he finds out that he is going just to have his play his way to win this game and stay alive.

The film tries to be funny, and it really does try harder than George Costanza at a college party. Balls of Fury is to comedies as The Godfather is to a horror film. It has a great setup, as ping-pong is the only “sport” to never be made into a movie. But, as you can see, it fails horribly. Why? Well, many reasons. Just one of the biggest reasons is because the film has to go all fucking undercover on us, instead of actually playing in a tournament. Then, you add comedy to the mix. Dodgeball did it right. Balls of Fury, however, doesn’t. While Dodgeball had tons of laughs in it that worked, Balls of Fury only had one little line that made me laugh, and that was fifteen minutes into the movie where Master Wong says that a hooker keeps coming back because it’s the only one he can afford, or something like that, and I laughed pretty hard, but not hard enough to give it a half a star. But besides that, you never laugh.

SPOILERS!!! BE AWARE OF THAT AND SKIP THIS ENTIRE PARAGRAPH IF YOU IGNORE THE REVIEW JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT TO SEE THIS OR BECAUSE THE REVIEWER IS AN IDIOT.

But here is what REALLY gets my panties into a bunch. It’s not the comedy that fails, but the marketing for the film. The trailers and commercials never promote the film as a crime investigation, but as an underdog story. It’s kind of hard to be an underdog story when you are at the top of your game for almost the entire movie. He was the star when he was twelve, and he is basically a star now, just not many people recognize him due to his weight gain and aftershave (or, possibly, his woman deodorant). He wins all of his matches in the film besides the first one (which sets the events to this film), and the second one (which really just tried to be funny, but was actually really offensive to retards). And then when it comes down to the final match between him and that Karl guy that he versed during the Olympics when he was twelve, NOTHING HAPPENS! That damn Lopez-fucker breaks Randy’s wrist and the game is “called off,” until Master Feng has kidnapped Maggie Q’s character and forces her to take Karl’s place as Feng’s bitch kills Karl with a dart (oh, and did I tell you? Maggie Q is in this movie). Then she won’t let Randy lose the game for the sole reason that she “wants to keep him alive for her love.” Goddamnit, not another one of these fucking movies, right? Yeah, pretty much, it is. I can’t tell you how many times I laughed at the plot more than the actual jokes. You could at least have Randy beat his opponent.

SPOILERS END

But in all fairness, it is not JUST the script that doesn’t work, or the marketing, or the laughs, but the cast themselves. They all throw themselves away, and if you don’t believe me, I have no further proof than Maggie Q. Remember how kickass she was in Live Free or Die Hard, and when she fell down the elevator shaft along with that car? THAT WAS FUCKIN AWESOME. And now, what do we get? A few kicks, none of them in the ass. And then you have George Lopez. I was never a fan of his from the beginning, and I’ll become a fan of him when Britney Spears shows up at some PTA meetings, but he was just low here. The farthest thing of being special in this film is where he thinks he is Tony Montana, but really is a not funny version of Paul Rudd from Reno 911!: Miami. At least he got me laughing just a little bit, even though it wasn’t his best role. And then, there is Christopher Walken. He is always there to make a quick ten dollars, and he is just wasted here. Like most people, I like it when Christopher Walken always takes time off to do other things in his career, like his roles in Hairspray and Click (even though the film blew chunks, he was still the best part nonetheless). But aside from the three that I listed, there are many more that star as cameos. You have comedic genius David Koechner, the very fucking annoying Terry Crews, underrated Diedrich Bader, and Heroes Masi Oka, who ends up getting a kick to the face by George Lopez. COME ON HIRO! YATTTTTTTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

But of course, like in all shitty movies, there is that one person that I just HAVE to make my bitch. It’s in the Hardcore Film Maniac’s rulebook. For Epic Movie, I made Adam Campbell my bitch, and The Ex, Jason Bateman, and of course my Chuck and Larry bitch was the sweaty fat fuck in a suit. But the bitch this time will not only be mine, but everyone else’s. I will share him with you, for little or no pay (it matters who you are, of course). Dan Fogler plays Randy, a sweaty fat fuck who looks like Hurley from Lost. Think what would happen if Booger from Revenge of the Nerds (a much funnier movie than this piece of doo-doo) was to chase Maggie Q to a studio set and just stay around and play along while he tries to get some Asian. If you are thinking the same thing I am, not only are you correct, but you are having a much funnier thought than the actual movie itself. Dan, let this be a warning. After this film has been released, more people may recognize you. STOP where you are. You are not funny, and the only thing people see in you is what Jack Black was five years ago. If you want to stop it now and save yourself some ridicule, it would be best. However, if you want to enjoy the fame and fortune, you go right ahead. I won’t stop you. To tell you the truth, I want you to fall down in a pile of mud, so I’ll let you go do your thing. Who knows, maybe you may be EATING my ass instead of WIPING it.

Balls of Fury could have been like Dodgeball. It could have been like Reno 911!: Miami. It could have been funny. There is more than one person to blame, but as long as they share equal blame for it, I don’t have the least bit problem”¦

“¦ just as long as Mr. Fogler gets the most of it. Come to papa, fuckface.

BOMB out of ****