Watching AMC’s The Walking Dead is an all-consuming experience for me. I can’t shut up about it for days after, and its really awkward when people start tripping over my dropped jaw. In the interest of my sanity, I decided to transcribe my thoughts about each episode as they happen, rather than let them build up and bubble over into one giant “SQUEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!” that can be heard several towns over.

For Season 2, Episode 1: What Lies Ahead, I’ve compiled a running commentary here, complete with approximate minute marks for reference.

Before you proceed, I must say that there are SPOILERS ahead, so if you haven’t seen this episode yet (SHAME!), go watch it now! Right now. I’ll wait. Ok no, I won’t, so here goes…

The Walking Dead

Season 2, Episode 1: What Lies Ahead

Opening Scene: In case you forgot how awesome Rick(Andrew Lincoln)is, this monologue should be the kick in the head you need. Lincoln has to set up this season all by himself by bridging the gap between the explosion at the CDC and where the cast is now, and boy does he deliver. He also reminds me how not knowing what Dr. Jenner (Noah Emmerich) whispered to him as they fled the CDC has been a festering wound for me that has caused me to stalk around like an obsessed walker since last year! Thanks a lot man!.

Rick: “It can’t be harder than our journey has been so far, can it?”

No offense sir, but it damn well better be! I mean, you seem like a cool guy and all, but if this whole season is you going from place to place encountering puppy dogs and lollipops, I’d rather attempt to keep up with the Kardashians. At least I’ll know what I’m in for. Plus that Scott guy looks like a mindless zombie who feeds off the others to me. Never mind why I know his name is Scott. Moving on…

Theme Song: After that speech, I’m so pumped. I loved every blood squirting rotten tooth moment of Season 1, and I’m primed for The Walking Dead to knock me on my keester this year. Not literally of course. That would mean I let a walker get too close to me, and I’m way too clever for that. Plus I own a crossbow. Ok no I don’t, but how badass would that be? If crossbow sales don’t spike this season, someone in marketing dropped the ball.

4 min: Of course Daryl (Norman Reedus) is the only one riding alone. He’s too cool of a customer to waste travel time on games of 20 questions, or punch buggy zombie with the others. Uh oh, I feel a man-crush coming on…

7 min: A ton of cars are blocking the road, and many of them have bodies inside of them. I’m sure they’ll just pass by carefully, and nothing can possibly go wrong.

8 min: Whoops! Sorry guys I jinxed it! Now you’re going to have to scavenge through the cars to find a radiator hose for the camper! (All I’m saying is, I’m sure the Kardashian Krew would have brought some spares on their post apocalyptic journey through constant suspense and terrible odds)

12 min: Dale: “It’s all good” The hell it is.

Watching Andrea (Laurie Holden) struggle to assemble her father’s gun, I cant help but thinking Amy (Emma Bell) would have done a better job. Too soon?

13 min: Rick: “Oh Christ”. Told you Dale (Jeffery DeMunn). Crap, that’s a lot of mother crapping walkers.

14 min: Rick: “Lori! Under the cars!” If by that you mean “Run like hell and hide behind the guy with the crossbow who I’m sure has grenades strapped to his hog”, then I’m with ya buddy.

15 min: Oh, T-dog (Irone Singleton).

18 min: Yeah it would be Andrea. I would have also accepted Carol (Melissa McBride).

19 min: See that folks, guns don’t kill people, screwdrivers do. I’ve been saying it for years.

Aaaaaaaand Daryl to the rescue. How can you not love this guy? Mothers, lock up your daughters (and/or your fat-bearded-is-having-feelings-about-this-guy-and-hopes-his-girlfriend-is-ok-with-it nerdy sons)

20 min: No, Sophia (Madison Lintz) don’t run, don’t run don’t run… GAHHH what did I just say????

23 min: Is there anyone out there who thinks Sophia is gonna remember this plan? I mean Its a good plan and all, but I’m a grown man and I get lost in my hometown.

24 min: Rick’s expression here is awesome. Rick + Rock = Even Deader Undead Guys

25 min: Uh oh, looks like Rick needs some help here… oh, hey there Daryl! Whats that, you can track people too? IS THERE ANYTHING YOU CAN’T DO?????

28 min: Rick, don’t question the man!

30 min: I have to say, I really like Carl (Chandler Riggs). The kid has some serious acting chops. He’s playing Carl like a kid trapped in this situation, not just some annoying brat.

31 min: SHANE (Jon Bernthal) DON’T LEAVE ME!!!!!!

32 min: Through the eye, from the back of the head. Take that loner! I feel like if you had zombie friends, this wouldn’t have happened. Alas, hindsight is 20/20, and your sight = arrowed.

34 min: Oh. Em. Gee. I mean…. He’s not gonna “¦He couldn’t on basic cable… He might… Ohhhh that man just stabbed that dead undead man and now he’s inside him! Cool/terrible/awesome/gross!!! This is why I love/hate this show! Fishing around inside a dead guy like its nothing! Like its something people do! Yee-haw!!! Oh, and I hope this hippie didn’t eat Sophia.

35 min: Oh good.

37 min: I can’t help but notice you’re back without the little girl guys….whoop, Carol noticed.

Andrea: “How can you know that?”

Daryl: “We cut the sunnvbitch open. Made sure.”

HA!

38 min: Poor Carol. This lady couldn’t catch a break if they gave her a mitt.

40 min: “How to Parent Your Way Through The Zombie Apocalypse” by Dale Horvath.

41 min: Yeah, Dale buys that. No Andrea, it is all about Amy.

43 min: I get it Shane, you’re trying to distance yourself from Carl, but that tough guy attitude won’t make you very many friends ’round the campfire. They’ll all start calling you Sourpuss Shane. Someone will call you Sourpuss Shane. I’ll start calling you Sourpuss Shane.

45 min: I love how there are two police officers in the bunch, but the smart ass hunter always takes the lead in creepy situations.

46 min: Why is Dale ALWAYS on top of his RV? How does he even get up there? Does he have a stair chair in there? Dale is quite the schemer. Perhaps the roof is his throne room, where he watches his puppets dance.

48 min: So, were the walkers waiting for an undead preacher to start services, or is this just a quiet time to reflect on eating people? I prefer to think of the walkers as maintaining a Zen like calm as they go about their daily lives, only to be tempted into a frenzy by others flesh. There’s a movement in there somewhere.

50 min: The relationship between Shane and Lori is one of my favorites in the show. Rather than just being a dumb, tawdry affair, it actually makes sense. Kudos to the writers for setting it up and cultivating it this way, rather than going for the cheap thrills.

52 min: There is seriously not a weak link in this cast. Melissa McBride is so good in this scene.

54 min: Shane: “She could be a lot of things.” Calm and smart not being among them. If Sophia had those skills, those walkers might still be pseudo-alive today. RIP, wierdos. Score one for Sourpuss Shane.

56 min: I hope every episode has a monologue from Lincoln. He could be alone in this show and I’d be captivated. That goes for any other member of the cast as well.

58 min: “Any sign will do!” Uh oh.

59 min: Lori (Sarah Wayne Callies) has really come into her own in this episode. Tell ’em girl! [Makes snapping Z finger motion]

60 min: Just because I haven’t mentioned Daryl in the past few minutes, doesn’t mean I didn’t notice him chillin’ by the tree, all quiet and aloof. Why did I just type that? Why haven’t I deleted it?

UNDEAD DEER!! No wait, regular deer.

61 min: Wipe that grin off your face Carl, you’re scaring the wilderness.

62 min: Is he gonna kiss it or kill it? What is going on here?

WHAT THE [expletive deleted]?????? ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS [expletive deleted]? THE [expletive deleted] KIDS? THE INNOCENT KIDS!?!?!?! ZOMG! Dammit Daryl WHERE WERE YOU!?!?!?!?!?!?

Well, Rick wanted a sign, and he got one. He just didn’t think it would read “Yep, you’re all screwed.”

I can’t believe they did that! No one is safe in this show, and that’s what makes it so freaking good! What were your thoughts on the episode? Let us know! I will continue to watch in amazement every Sunday at 9pm EST, and you should too!