Disney is reportedly quite unhappy with the scathing reviews and middling box office of Muppets Most Wanted, the latest big screen outing of the late Jim Henson’s adorable felt creations. Thus they have announced today that the beloved characters will be taken in a completely different direction for their next feature film.
The studio has decided to unite The Muppets with two of their most profitable franchises in adapting Patton Oswalt‘s epic filibuster from an April 2013 episode of the NBC sitcom Parks & Recreation. In the full nearly 9-minute video (which you can watch here below), Oswalt wove an amazing tale that combined the Star Wars and Marvel universes in one awe-inspiring adventure that would shatter the minds of geeks the world over. According to an unnamed spokesperson at the studio, Disney feels that this story could work, without undermining Star Wars: Episode VII and the various Marvel Studios projects in various stages of development.
When reached for comment about this surprising news, Marvel Studios president Kevin Feige said, “How did you get into my house? I have a restraining order against you!” The cryogenically preserved head of studio founder Walt Disney voiced his rapturous approval at the new Muppets project, adding, “FEED ME A STRAY CAT! WALT HUNGRY!” Naturally there are conflicting emotions regarding the project, tentatively titled The Muppets Take What’s Left of Your Childhood! (exclamation point part of the title).
The issue of which Muppet gets which role in the massive undertaking has not yet been fully worked out, but so far the casting has Kermit the Frog as Luke Skywalker, Animal as Wolverine, Miss Piggy as X-23 (Wolverine’s daughter), Fozzie Bear as Tony Stark/Iron Man, Gonzo as Han Solo, Sam the Eagle as a very-much-alive Boba Fett, Sweetums as Chewbacca, Scooter as Reed Richards/Mr. Fantastic, Lew Zealand as Lando Calrissian, Beaker as Scott Summers/Cyclops, Janice as Princess Leia, and Statler and Waldorf both playing the film’s antagonist Thanos. In the words of the same unknown spokesperson quoted earlier, “Yeah, let’s see you try to cast this damn thing.”
Oswalt has signed on to write the first draft and has already agreed to be replaced midway through by a higher-priced screenwriter in exchange for the right to discuss his experience on the project in full with lots of profanity during his next Comedy Central special. The studio tried offering the directing job to Brett Ratner, but every time they call his house all they get is someone who sounds like Ratner with a Spanish accent saying, “Mr. Brett no home right now. Please call back later.” Disney has confirmed that the movie will feature cameos from a bunch of out-of-work celebrities your kids have never even heard of, as usual.
The Muppets Take What’s Left of Your Childhood! has no script, no director, no creative team, and isn’t being taken seriously by 90% of the people working at Disney, but is still expected to reach theaters long before Star Wars: Episode VII.