By Dr. Zaius
Thursday, July 23rd, 2015 at 9:00 am
Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! Directed by Anthony C Ferrante
Written by Thunder Levin
Starring Ian Ziering, Tara Reid, Cassie Scerbo, Mark Cuban, Frankie Muniz, Bo Derek, David Hasselhoff SyFy | Asylum Productions
Rated TV 14 | 88 Minutes
Release Date: Wednesday, July 22, 2015, 9:00pm ET
The day is here, the time is now… it’s time for SHARKNADO 3!!! This actually means a lot more to me than the normal schmo watching Syfy original movies. Last year around this time, Sharknado 2: The Second One was my first review for GoD. The movie that became a twitter sensation thanks to its ridiculous (even for Syfy) title and plot, helping to resurrected the careers for 90s stars Ian Ziering and Tara Reid. It gained such a quick cult status that A – D list stars, including athletes, talk show hosts, rappers, and politicians were lining up for cameos in the sequels. Without further ado… the day we’ve all waited patiently for… Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!
It takes only 8 minutes before the Sharknado arrives in Washington D.C., precisely as Fin Sheperd (Ziering) is there receiving his awards for his valor in the previous films. There are literally too many cameos to count in just the first scene, with the standouts being President Mark Cuban (a “shark” on TV) and VP Ann Coulter. Soon the sharks are swirling into D.C. landmarks, and all hell is breaking loose. I particularly loved the Great White in the Lincoln Memorial, surfing presidential portraits down the White House steps, and a recreation of the Iwo Jima flag planting complete with impalement of a shark.
Now pregnant, April (Reid) and the rest of the Sheperd clan are in Orlando, where the filmmakers had full use of Universal Orlando to shoot in. On his way down Fin reunites with Nova (Cassie Scerbo) from the first film, now a Mad Max themed Shark slayer/scientist and Lucas (Frankie “Malcolm” Muniz). Scerbo is so hot, especially for a girl with PTSD (post traumatic shark disorder). The Sharknado moves south and invades NASCAR, ruining the Daytona 500. I love Fin and Nova’s slow motion, nearly naked, weapons clad stroll out of the water after a plane crash. Now in Orlando, we up the cameo count again, the most hilarious begin Jerry Springer’s 10 seconds of screen-time. and we get some great scenes inside Universal Studios, including one which earns Fin a standing ovation from a full audience, and then one as the climb inside the famed Universal globe.
Having done everything on Earth to stop the Shark storms, the only thing left to do is to go to outer friggin space with the help of Fin’s astronaut dad Gilbert; the one and only, David Hasselhoff. The final scene managed to outdo the classic climaxes of the first two, as we get to see a light saber chainsaw, SPACE SHARKS, Fin and April getting swallowed only to ride back to Earth in the shark’s belly as it burns up in orbit… and oh yeah, and she gives birth inside the burning shark corpse. I could NOT even make that up.
The filmmakers have to be careful with this series. Movies this intentionally bad cannot ever be boring. That is the biggest cardinal sin. Sharknado 3 was boring for long stretches between the action. Director Anthony C. Ferrante and writer Thunder Levin seem obsessed with making the audience care about the characters, when the movie is called SHARKNADO! I don’t care that Tara Reid is pregnant, and there is tension between Nova and April. No, I want to see shark storms, ludicrously bad special effects, and pun-tastic dialogue. That’s it. When Sharknado 3 gave me that, I was a happy camper, but there was just too much down time. My advice to viewers, watch it again on DVR, and fast forward any scenes not involving Sharknados, and Sharkicanes.
With Sharknado 4 already in the works, I’m nervous they’re going to “bite” the hand that feeds, and kill the special silliness these movies have. Fans actually get to decide on Twitter whether Tara Reid’s character lives or dies… come on, if she’s dead, Fin can hook up with Nova! Hit up twitter or Sharknado.syfy.com. Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! encores Saturday night at 7:00pm ET. My title for this – “Sharknado: It Is What It Is.”
The best blockbusters come in 3s, Sharknado is back for a 3rd bite on Syfy, July 22nd, 9/8c.