Born
Directed by Richard Friedman
Starring Alison Brie, Denise Crosby, Kane Hodder
Lionsgate Films

When I was a very young lad, a very wise cartoon rabbit once said “if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” Now, perhaps it was because I was at an impressionable age or maybe it was because it came from the mouth of a talking rabbit, but I have taken this little piece of advice to heart. However, after watching Born, I think I might have to break this rule just one time.

Born is a horror-comedy film about virginal Sally who, after attending the funeral of her mother, is mysteriously pulled into the ground at the cemetery. When she comes out of the ground, she is suddenly pregnant. The unexpected little bundle of joy turns out to be a demon that is hell-bent on entering our realm and wrecking her life in the process.

There are many things wrong with this film. For one thing, while it is suppose to be a horror/comedy, it is neither very scary nor is it very funny. It tries too hard to be both and ends up, more often than not, striking out. I just sat there for an hour and a half just bored. Very bored. You know a movie is just really bad when two straight female characters hook up right in the middle of the movie for no apparent reason. Then one of the women’s unborn fetus kills the other woman (Don’t ask)

Now, I applaud the creators of the film for bringing together this movie with an obvious shoestring budget, but if you set out to do a horror movie involving special effects, you should consider putting a lot of that budget into the effects itself. Otherwise, the film would be reduced to using a jpeg of a lightning bolt and adding it in between the frames of a scene rather than adding special effects in post production.

The movie is dominated by mainly actors that you probably would not know except for Allison Brie and Kane Hodder. The former is currently on the hit show Mad Men and the latter is best known for his role as Jason in the Friday the 13th movies. Seeing Hodder act for the first time with lines, it is very clear the man needs a little work with his delivery. Watching him deliver lines is a lot like watching a crane move. It just feels very forced, very robotic. Brie doesn’t come off any better but I guess who can with the script they were given. There is indeed a lot of blame to go around.

Born has a lot of work to do. The acting is so-so, the effects are only so-so, and the writing is just not great. Do yourself a favor and rent Friday the 13th or maybe Evil Dead. I can think of other ways to use your time.