In a development so stunning it made me drop a cup of coffee on my foot this morning, Daredevil – the self-proclaimed nocturnal protector of Hell’s Kitchen (the neighborhood in New York, not the cooking show with that perpetually angry British dude) – has revealed that he has become a born again Christian and will no longer battle crime as Daredevil.
“I can no longer continue my fight against the criminal element of this city while dressed as a poorly-attired minion of the dark lord Satan,” Daredevil said to the assembled press early this morning. “I am now….Risk-Averse Angel!”
As part of his renewed mission to rid New York of crime, the former Daredevil will discard his iconic red tights and horned mask in favor of an all-white jumpsuit with a face mask that comes complete with a detachable golden halo. Risk-Averse Angel will also give up fighting his enemies with martial arts and brute strength and instead try to rehabilitate them with inspired readings from the Bible.
Risk-Averse Angel, sporting a few bruises and a split lip during his address to reporters, said, “I believe in this approach. I believe the power of God’s word will be far more effective than punches, kicks, and that baton I gave up using. Now if only the criminals would follow my lead because I’m getting the crap beaten out of me far more than I’m used to.”
The halo is supposed to act as a deterrent in the event the sermons and hymns fail, but so far Risk-Averse Angel has had it ripped from his new costume and used to bash him repeatedly in the teeth. “Yesterday some crack dealers used it to play ‘Keepaway’,” Risk-Averse Angel said with a sly smile that revealed a few missing molars. “I blame myself for running around trying to get it back. You can’t feed into those elementary school playground tactics. You always lose.”
“This is a really bad idea,” Avengers leader Captain America reportedly stated after forgetting to say that his comments were strictly off the record. “The costume sucks, too. He thinks he got it custom-made, but it’s actually one of Dazzler’s old outfits. We just had Jarvis let it out a little bit.”
Other associates and nemeses of Risk-Averse Angel had mixed reactions: Wilson Fisk, better known as Daredevil’s greatest foe the Kingpin, couldn’t stop laughing when shown an image of the new costume; Elektra saw it and walked away mumbling something to the effect of, “Can’t believe I used to date that loser.”
Geeks of Doom attempted to contact Risk-Averse Angel’s attorneys Matt Murdock and Franklin “Foggy” Nelson for a comment, but all we got was a voicemail with Murdock telling us to have a blessed day.
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