My Bloody Valentine 3D
Directed by Patrick Lussier
Starring Jensen Ackles, Jaime King, Kerr Smith
Lionsgate Home Entertainment
Release Date: May 19, 2009

Watching My Bloody Valentine 3-D on the big screen back in January was a watershed moment in my movie going life. Never before have I seen a movie break from its celluloid constraints and literally get in my face. Having been an admirer of the original 1981 My Bloody Valentine I was also interested in what a remake could do to top the first one’s story and gore/violence content, especially in the wake of the release of the uncut original on DVD. I’m pleased to say My Bloody Valentine 3-D takes everything that made the original a standout among the early 1980’s assault of turgid Dead Teenager flicks and amps it up to the Nth degree. Best of all, it’s in fucking 3-D! Grab your pickaxe and let’s have some fun.

The town of Harmony lives and dies based on the success of the Hanniger Mines. The owner of the mines employs his cocksure son Tom (Jensen Ackles) to the dismay of the working stiffs who don’t have it that easy. One night Tom is derelict in his duties and a methane explosion causes a cave-in sealing several men inside. A rescue crew finds only one survivor, Harry Warden (Rich Walters), in a coma. It turns out Harry managed to survive by driving a pickaxe into the heads of his fellow trapped miners in order to conserve air. After one year Harry comes out of his coma and goes on a gruesome killing spree climaxing at the mines where it all began. While the youth of Harmony are having a party in the mines, Harry returns in his miner’s uniform with mass murder on his mind. Before he can claim the life of Tom, the one he blames for his current predicament, Harry is shot by town sheriff Burke (Tom Atkins!) and flees into the tunnel where another explosion causes a cave-in and Harry Warden is assumed dead. Or is he?

My Bloody Valentine 3D
Directed by Patrick Lussier
Starring Jensen Ackles, Jaime King, Kerr Smith, Betsy Rue
Rated R
Release Date: January 16, 2009

Movies get made on a single gimmick all the time. It’s a shame when creative writing takes a back seat to an idea that gets people into seats just to see it play out. Sometimes, it’s the pairing of two well-known actors, sometimes it’s a single actor playing a nontraditional role, sometimes it’s just visual gimmick. In the case of the remake of My Bloody Valentine 3D it’s the latter, but that should be obvious from the title.

I have to admit that the 3D aspect of the film is the only thing that got me interested to see what would otherwise be a typical slasher flick with a masked mystery man. Though the original may have gathered a strong following two decades ago, the remake is one of those in a long line of remakes that probably should not have been made.

3D has been done before, so it’s nothing to get terribly excited about. Friday the 13th part 3 was in 3D, as was the climax of Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare. Though the latter only had a small portion of the film driven by this effect, the former looks downright silly when watching it with the added dimension. So I can only imagine the same will be true when this version of My Bloody Valentine is released on DVD. I’m only able to guess because I don’t think I’ll ever be able to sit through the entire film again, even though I was allowed to keep my 3D glasses when I left the theater. Sure, some of the scenes looked pretty cool, but not enough to warrant a second viewing.