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Bat Analysis: The Batman Adult Onesie
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Hunter Camp   |  

Batman Onesie

There are very few things that shock and astonish me in this life. I feel like I have just about seen everything, but the Batman Onesie produced by Warner Bros. is one of those things.

I’ve even been aware of its existence before. A friend of mine even got one for Christmas last year, but I had not seen it in action until I saw it in this picture. I’m disturbed, frightened, and a little bit excited for the potential of new Batman merchandise. It’s official name according to Amazon is “Batman Comfy Throw Blanket With Sleeves,” but is best known as “the lazy man’s cosplay.” Or simply, the Batman onesie. If you’re for some reason interested in buying this for yourself or as a gag gift for your friend, you can do so here, but if you’ll indulge me for a little bit, I’d like to examine this picture for just a moment.

Okay, so this is pretty much a horrifying picture of a man with little to gain in life as he reaches what I can only assume is his last days on planet Earth. He’s thrown all sense of pride and dignity out of his half-blinded window and has accepted what is now a shell of his former self. This can all be determined by the fact that he is wearing the Batman Comfy Blanket With Sleeves. It also stands to reason that he feels hopeless because he identifies with Batman instead of his “Being Wonderous” wife who’s inspired by Wonder Woman, or his proud and hopeful twin who wears his Superman Comfy Blanket With Sleeves with no shame at all. No, our Batman-inspired slouch wears his Comfy Blanket With Sleeves because he wants more in life. I assume that the young man who has given up on life wishes that he were able to move from the couch to his garage and dress up like a superhero so that he too can fight crime. But alas, his days are numbered, and he has accepted that.

But why has he given up? There are so many different possibilities. The first of which is that he feels like he is completely stuck in a controlling marriage by his “Wonderous” wife who seems to carry on some sort of relationship with his twin brother who loves Superman. We can tell this by the alternate photos of Superman twin on his brother’s couch enjoying a fine television program. But it’s evident that “Wonderous” wife is in control based on the decor of the room. Take note of the weaved media baskets and empty vases placed inside the bookshelf. A fan of Batman who is in control of his life would proudly display his Absolute Edition of Frank Miller’s The Dark Knight! So no, he’s not in control of his own life. He’s depressed, floundering, and waiting for the sweet release of the afterlife, hence the sad grin on his pudgy face. But how did he get himself into this mess? What could have caused a man to hit rock bottom like this? Unemployment? Nay. Favorite TV Show being cancelled? Doubtful. No, this man has experience a far greater trauma than we could even begin to imagine.

Batman Onesie Guy is a war veteran who has made a sacrifice to his country to fight for its standards and grace, and unfortunately, he lost his legs while doing so. If you’ll notice, there appear to be no legs at all under this Batman Cozy Fleece Blanket With Sleeves. His confidence after the war drove his wife into the arms of his twin brother who also was seeking comfort after the family disaster. But fear not, Batman Cozy Fleece Blanket With Sleeves Man, your family still cares about you, and your country appreciates your sacrifice. Please do not fear the future, make the future fear you. Batman had his back broken by Bane and went on to return to the cowl. If he can return to fighting super crime, you can turn your life around and make it out of the muck and mire of the mundane life you lead. If you need to leave your “Wonderous” wife to get ahead in life, make it so. You are a man who has potential! Learn from The Batman on your Cozy Blanket With Sleeves and stay determined to earn a better life. Don’t let these days pass you by!

[Source via BuzzFeed]

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